The Flared Crimson Flame

I kneel down and cry

As my head touches the floor

I wonder how and why

And I wonder what for

Could I have tried differently

Could I have tried better

Could the problem have been me

Or am I just being bitter

After all I tried

After all I worked

After all the lies

After all I searched

After all the family therapy

That made things worse

What a waste of energy

I must be cursed

The anger is brewing

As the tears fall harder

I can’t believe I went through it

With the fake manipulative martyr

I kept it silent

I kept it a secret

After a these years

I never once leaked it

I walked out of the storm

Every morning with a painful smile

Feeling emotionally torn

About how you can be so vile

To then being so friendly

With stability and kindness

With nobility and politeness

For years I was warned

But I never believed it

For years the truth unadorned

Until one day the reality hit

To realise my efforts were futile

My efforts were wasteful

As I thundered the extra mile

With my instantaneous fall

You’ll be discarded they said

When the money for you stops

You’ll no longer have a bed

You’re needed as an enemy

An easy target

A punch bag essentially

Or a walk over carpet

So when you can’t be controlled

You’re useless they said

When they can’t keep you in their hold

They’ll disown you instead

Hurt you viciously

As that’s what you’re there for

To be treated sadistically

You’re not wanted anymore

There will never be love for you

That’s not how they are

Please my darling stop trying

It’s painful to watch you scar

And it’s painful to hear your crying

 

They were right

It did happen

It was fore sight

 

The red crimson flame

Flared and spread inside me

The pain rushed through my veins

As I erupted intensely

It wasn’t just being disowned

It’s the constant fight

Which I should’ve known

I’m no longer in sight

But you still have the commitment

To ruin and run me into the ground

 

Move on and forget it

Don’t hold on you’ll regret it

It’s fine everyone has issues

Just have a cry and grab the tissues

Whats depression? Get over yourself

It’s not that bad stop being a lazy loaf

Stop victimising yourself

And wallowing in self pity

What about mental health?

It’s not real though really

You’ll be fine pull yourself together

Opinions fly freely like the weather

And then they happily

Back to their family

The frustration grew intensely

As I saw the picture on the wall

I tore it off the wall frantically

And ran with it crying to the outdoors

I propelled the frame hysterically

And the smash ricocheted across the floor

The tears streamed uncontrollably

As I cry out to each and every lord

I smashed another one

And continued more and more

Until there were none

My body was strained and sore

And after the spectacle had finished

I sat on the floor

Although the display had diminished

I sat among the debris

Mourning and weeping

I knew I had to accept this

I need to stop pretending

That everything is going to be alright

And that things work themselves out

There will always be spite

And there will always be doubt

So I will grieve this process

And endeavour what’s inside of me

To discard the useless

And to grow from this eventually

 

 

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