Hyde’s Lessons

Each outburst taught me a Lesson

Each outburst strengthens Depression

Each outburst taught me shame

Each outburst I experienced blame

Each outburst gave me fear

That nobody wants me here

Each outburst gave me defence mechanisms

Each outburst came with aggression

Each outburst came with words that sting

Each outburst stripped me as a being

Each outburst taught me that people are dangerous

That people are untrustworthy

Each outburst they’d become more like strangers

And each outburst they took pride in hurting me

Each outburst causes me to isolate myself

Because there were never heroes to come help

Each outburst taught to never let anybody in

Each outburst taught me to stay silent

That each abusive secret is to leave with the wind

That life is safer if you’re quiet

Each outburst screamed that I was evil and vindictive

And that’s what people see that I’m disgusting and sadistic

Each outburst screamed that no one will ever love me

That people will feel deterred by me instantly

Each outburst convinced me of a new light

That what they saw was true and what they saw was right

Each outburst convinced me I’m not wanted

And those words they say should be left to haunt me

Each outburst words wounded me deep down

Now I’m too scared to connect with people all around

Each outburst left me more distant then the previous

As no feelings can get hurt

No deeper wounds can get serious

If the outburst cannot touch what’s no longer there

Creating the nonchalant face of I don’t care

The outbursts taught me that no one will understand

That no one will listen

That no one wants you to expand

That uncomfortable events like that should stay hidden

Each outburst they convinced me that a part of who I was

Was disgusting

That I am the cause

For the worlds corruption

Each outburst taught me the crueller side of life

Each outburst pained me and pierced my heart like a knife

Each outburst taught me that people like me aren’t destined to be loved

Each outburst taught me that I will never be enough

So now if I fall in love

Those outbursts feels me with fear

And cause me to run

Each outburst filled me with tears

Each outburst taught me that I would fail

That I would become distant

Each outburst taught me that the truth will never prevail

Because love is non-existent

 

But each outburst didn’t just teach me that

It taught me so much more

It taught me that this doesn’t have to be persistent

That I can grow to become resistant

Each outburst taught me that I can become stronger

That no one has to scream at me any longer

Each outburst taught me that something was wrong

And that I would grow to know I was resilient all along

That people will understand

Because I am that person

Who knows how to lend a hand

Each tablet I take kicks Depression

Because there is no better team

Than me and my prescription

That no matter what is said

There will always be an alternative view instead

That it doesn’t matter if people come and leave

Because I will remain forever here with me

That every wound

Every pain

Every word

That turned me insane

Can bring a deeper motivation

That I can use to aid my salvation

That love doesn’t have to be a thing in fairy tales

That I can feel it with myself and set sail

That my inner strength was always there

And my life can get better if I dare

That no matter what is screamed at me

I can stand through the thunder

And let the Storm rush past me

That those outbursts are meaningless now

That I will always find a way forward somehow

That relationships are not needed

That my inner love has always been seeded

I know now that everything will be okay

That I’m approaching freedom

And trudging away from the grey

It’s a slow chained process

That at times may seem hopeless

People may leave

When they see the demons I deal with

But I will always come back

And nothing will ever knock me off track

I have experienced and witnessed things

That nobody should ever have to grieve

But it’s shown me things I needed to see

Because there is no stronger power than knowing

And I will step up and keep going

If the outbursts have taught me anything

It’s the sickness of the mind

For too long it’s stripped me of everything

Watching my loved ones crumble under your demise

Watching them slowly painfully decay from you existing

I may have never learnt how to love or be loved

I may have never learnt to be okay and feel enough

I may never have learnt to be wanted and not a burden

And I may always be an outcast as society’ vermin

But from the experience I have lived

I know how you work

And I know the hurt you give

So I am determined to make you disappear

Because I can’t bring back the people

The people you’ve destroyed in front of me each year

You are beyond abhorrent, you are beyond evil

And I will desperately work and fight until the day you are done

Or at least whoever outlasts the other one

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