You Don’t Realise

You don’t realise

How bright life is

Until the cold night

Causes it to wither


You don’t realise

How good a smile feels

Until the howling cry

Comes echoing from the hills


You don’t realise

How good it feels now

Until the sighs

Weigh you to the ground


You don’t realise

The cost of happiness

Until it’s sacrificed

Into Depressions darkness


You don’t realise

The meaning of compromise

Until you make a Doctors deal

For a clinical pill



You don’t realise

The price of shame

Until Depression tightens

Its restricting chains


Nothing teaches you a lesson

Quite like Depression

Nothing forces oppression

Quite like regression


Nothing forces you

To let go of that

That wants to ruin you


No message

Is louder than a storm

That thunders

Towards you


From a mess

That’s formed

And plunders

Unfairly onto you


No one understands

The hollowing

That takes place

Behind your face


No one understands

The wallowing

In a small space

Begging for a God’s grace


Forgiveness for the


That’s listed

At rock bottom


The anger and anguishes

That builds over time

From pain and injustice

That rattles like a broken chime


To have your soul within


By an illness that started in

My cradle


To be suffering


While jittering



The pleasure in

Causing pain

Further drove me



No humanity

No empathy

Behind those eyes


Just lies


And a sick kick

From your cries


Why watch horror

Shows and documentaries

When I can just venture

Into my memories


Why speak

When people

Tell you how you feel


Why see

When people

Turn blind at will


Why realise

How good it

Was to be human


When life

Slips in

And throws Depression


Run From The Sun 8 End Of Major Depression


The sun is bright

The sky is blue

I look over and see you


With the dark clouds

In the distance

Just a small thunder sound

That’s not interference


The medication worked

And so did the therapy

The dedication caused the perk

And I feel free


The black hound

Is chained down

The wicked beast

Is unable to feast


No more running

No more escaping

No more fighting

No more shaming


The flowers next to me

Continue to whisper

Well done to thee

You escaped from winter


But continue the meds

The old oak tree said

One tablet a day

Will keep the wolf at bay


I look to the meadow

Which is rich with life

Remembering snow

And decay from that darkened time


No more abuse

No more pain

No more screw loose

No more rain


You’ve come far

The oak tree speaks

Just a few scars

But now a healthy seed


The wolf you fear

Is in the forest

My dear

So lift that weight of your chest


Your bloodline bears the curse

But you can change the fate

Stop it from getting worse

It’s not too late


It’s been a long journey

But now it has a happy ending

It seemed lonely

But you ended up winning


There may be times

Where you can still hear

The howl


But let that be a sign

Not to fear

The sound

Consume You

What have I told you?

What have I shown you?

I’m here through and through

And not even you have a clue


Love is a pain

Love is dangerous

Your love is in vain

And it’s treacherous


Citalopram can’t

Protect you

From what I’m about

To do


Dependent and needy

You’re a leach

And greedy


Doors have slammed

And you’re damned

This won’t go to plan

I’ll get out of hand


You can’t hide me


I’ll be here

Whatever weather


Heart break is coming

Your way

So just stop loving

That’s what I say


They call me the

Black beast

But I call me the

Honest priest


Go ahead fight

Go ahead

Be uptight


Out of sight

I may be

But you’ll see

I’m here for



So let me preach

And hear what

I have to say


How can you believe?

That you’re not

Mentally ill anyway?


You’re emotional irregulation

Is my doing

You’re my manifestation

That I’ll ruin


You’re getting comfortable

You’re getting dependant

They’ll get uncomfortable

She’ll want to be independent


If your own mother

Doesn’t want you

If your own father

Rarely speaks to you


If your own brother

Is distrustful of you

Do you really think?

Your own lover

Will stay with you?


I don’t think so

But what I do know

Is that I won’t go


You’ll be left

And you’ll be left

With me


Without a second guess

I won’t let you rest

You’ll see


You’re mine not hers

You belong to me

Let it be heard


She’ll leave you

And then you’re doomed

Nothing new

It’s in my runes


I’m brewing

Can you feel me?

I’m growing

Can you hear me?


Don’t think

You’re loved

For the long term


You’ll blink

They’ll be gone

And they won’t return


You’ll be broken

And I’ll take you

You’ll be forsaken

And I’ll consume you

I Can Feel Myself Going Down

One less smile

With a little less hope

One more trial

Is like walking a high tightrope


With slight more anxiety

And a lower mood

A little grey cloud

Which brings a darker day gloom


The colours

That filled my life

Have turned from summers

Into darkened decayed nights


With tears that fall

And stream from my soul

An illness so big it

Makes me feel so small


With shame of mental pain

And emotional interplay

With blame on my name

I feel myself begin to fade


With little courage to speak

And no confidence to ask

Things are feeling bleak

And each breathe becomes a bigger task

With breakdowns

Becoming an familiar occurrence

With people around

But the illness creates a distance


With anxiety and fear

Screaming through my being

No one can hear

It’s just a sensation a feeling


An intensity of being a burden

Of bringing others down with you

Scared of hurting them

Scared they’ll start to avoid you


So I cry and breakdown

With no strength to smile

Just A family disappointment

Just an unfortunate let down


The shame of being ill

And the talks of stop medication

The sound of it’s not real

To the you’re addicted and it’s an abomination


The plead of please let me in

To the memories of why you shouldn’t

The encouragement of I won’t hurt you

To the, they did and said they wouldn’t


To the haunted old wounds

Which shattered trust

Was ripped from


The memories of family feuds

Which self-disgust

Is strengthened on


The terror of the disconnection

Your mind will cause

The numbness for self-mutilation

Which starts to call


The believing of this will be forever

Because it feels so real

But the knowledge of riding it out together

Will help you heal

Unwanted Anniversary

It’s been a year you

Piece of shit

It’s been a year

And you’re still here


Go on then tell me

The news

How no one wants me

Say what you chose


Ask me where

My family is

Oh yeah they disowned me

We’ve been over this


Tell me again

How I’m scum

That people pretend

I’m a loved one


Tell me to kill myself

Say it loud and proud

That my mental health

Covered by your black cloud


Narrate your way

Into my little life

Push me each day

To grab a knife

Fuck you

You’re not winning

Fuck you

I’m still living


I may be silenced

By your reign

But I will forever protest

Your game


With a painted smile

Saying I’m fine

But I know the vile

Pain inside


But your just years

Of blame

Years of abuse

Years of shame


You’re not mine

Hyde can have this back

Fuck this bloodline

My life is on a different track


You’re the worst present

In history

And if I could dispose of you

I would instantly


You can throw painful


You can throw eventful

Years of treachery


Go ahead let me

Relive the lot

But my tablets have the words

Written fuck off


The mentally ill

Should be



Be careful

Be weary

Be aware

In case it’s scary


Those words in my head

Keep shouting

It’s like the whole world

Is still howling


Ignorance is a bliss

And sure

We’ll give it a miss

But some things stick


Enough to make you

Want to leave

And run from the blue

You make me feel unlovable

You make me feel deep down

I’m just pure trouble


You say people don’t care

Fine have it your way

You say people won’t ever love me

Fine just have your say


Probably true

Probably not

But happy unwanted anniversary

Now get lost

Society’s Shadows

It’s not here

That’s what we tell ourselves

To avoid the fears

Surrounding our mental health


Living a better life

With more hope

To walk in strides


But it’s not all light

And smiles

Some nights are just



In a state of good function

It’s easy to forget

The mental disruption

At its best


Following the right road

But our shadows

Still loom behind us


Carrying our painful moans

That scream out

From our distant past


A ticking time bomb

That’s what they say

But I don’t want to hurt no one

I don’t want my life

To go that way


Stay away

Listen to the stigmas

Don’t mix with the grey


Don’t get to know

They’ll only make you low


They’re dangerous

They’re abusive

They’re treacherous

To be with


They’re right

In prior

As this fight

Spreads like fire


But can’t we be more than that?

Is their other aspects

One could look at?


Do I need to be afraid of this?

Do people only see my abyss?


Is the mental chaos

All that should be seen

I’d like to think there is more to me

Than what’s in-between


It’s not all the time

I promise

Its shows it self

Every now and then



The fear is strong in others

So we put ourselves through


To make it plunder



Stretching and pulling

At our brain systems

Stripping and pushing


Higher the dose

Grind through the chaos

The painful change in


Enough to bring us to our knees

And plead for salvation


The sensation isn’t great

Remember your changing the chemicals

In your brain to adjust your mental state


Changing meds

Changing therapists

Changing mental states

Changing everything


We learn to deal with internal screaming

And our bodies fighting against us

We learn to deal with life’s beating

And we learn to function at last


Functioning and stable

That’s what society wanted

So now it’s on the table


A long journey

A long fight

A lot of worry

So we stay out of sight


But when things get better

And things get lighter

When things start to get easier

And life gets a little breezier


When we learn to fit

The way society wants us

To fit


There still seems to be shadows

That haunt us

People don’t forget

Our unfortunate distress


Little reminders everywhere

That there’s something wrong with us

Little reminders everywhere

That no matter what

Our shadows will haunt us

Run From The Sun Seven: The Fighting

I walk into the Darkened forest
Where he slumbers
My eyes burning an internal red
From his fights that thunder
The trees are decaying
A metaphor of my brain
That he’s taking
I walk further in
There’s a large circle

Of trees that he resides in
Get out I voice
Get out now
You have no choice
He Rises and stretches
A black beast with sharpened
He rolls his head
And Looks to me
Red haunted eyes
Glaring to see


I will kill you
He whispers
I will kill you


I walk towards him
With a heart of fire
Breathing heavily
In Anger of desire
Good fucking luck
I spit with Anger
Good fucking luck
I shout louder


He elongates
His dark venomous arm
And grabs me by the throat
I gasp in frustrated alarm
As I begin to choke


Good luck he repeats
Good fucking luck?
He swings me around
And violently hurls me against the trees
And loud Breaking sound
Snaps inside of me

He howls as he attacks
And lunges at me
He scratches restlessly
And loud noises ripple
As each blow claws me

Broken and bleeding
I reach into my pocket
I grab my anti-depressant
And smash it across him


He backs away
As his face starts to burn
He backs away
As his face starts to turn


He roars
He thunders


I still lay on the floor
From the hours of brawl
Breathing and bleeding heavily
As my wounds begin to pour


How Dare you!!!

You are mine!!!

You are going to lose

Your time is mine!!!


I will give you despair

I will empty you hollow

I will sabotage your repair

I will place you in pits of sorrow


I will disconnect you

From everyone and everything

Until you have nowhere to go

And life becomes just one long painful sting


I will make life so unbearable

That nothing you will do will heal

I will make life so deplorable

That I will be all you feel


You are not wanted

You are not loved


You are vindictive

And people will soon have enough


God will turn his back on you

People will forget and leave you

Life will be miserable each day through

And no one will be able to help you


I will remind you everyday

Why you were disowned and left

I will remind you everyday

Why the person you’re in love with

Doesn’t want you, you mess!!!


You’re wrong I whisper shakily


I’m what? He states hesitantly


You’re wrong I speak painfully


I’ll show you who’s wrong


He goes to ruthlessly cut deep

But I get my medication

And take it quickly


Shackles of chains grab

His arms, his legs

His neck and head


He leans in

In frustration


With irritation


You’ll get me one day

I stutter

Just not today

He mutters