You Don’t Realise

You don’t realise

How bright life is

Until the cold night

Causes it to wither

 

You don’t realise

How good a smile feels

Until the howling cry

Comes echoing from the hills

 

You don’t realise

How good it feels now

Until the sighs

Weigh you to the ground

 

You don’t realise

The cost of happiness

Until it’s sacrificed

Into Depressions darkness

 

You don’t realise

The meaning of compromise

Until you make a Doctors deal

For a clinical pill

 

 

You don’t realise

The price of shame

Until Depression tightens

Its restricting chains

 

Nothing teaches you a lesson

Quite like Depression

Nothing forces oppression

Quite like regression

 

Nothing forces you

To let go of that

That wants to ruin you

 

No message

Is louder than a storm

That thunders

Towards you

 

From a mess

That’s formed

And plunders

Unfairly onto you

 

No one understands

The hollowing

That takes place

Behind your face

 

No one understands

The wallowing

In a small space

Begging for a God’s grace

 

Forgiveness for the

Forgotten

That’s listed

At rock bottom

 

The anger and anguishes

That builds over time

From pain and injustice

That rattles like a broken chime

 

To have your soul within

Taken

By an illness that started in

My cradle

 

To be suffering

Unbearably

While jittering

Mentally

 

The pleasure in

Causing pain

Further drove me

Insane

 

No humanity

No empathy

Behind those eyes

 

Just lies

Insanity

And a sick kick

From your cries

 

Why watch horror

Shows and documentaries

When I can just venture

Into my memories

 

Why speak

When people

Tell you how you feel

 

Why see

When people

Turn blind at will

 

Why realise

How good it

Was to be human

 

When life

Slips in

And throws Depression

Run From The Sun 8 End Of Major Depression

 

The sun is bright

The sky is blue

I look over and see you

 

With the dark clouds

In the distance

Just a small thunder sound

That’s not interference

 

The medication worked

And so did the therapy

The dedication caused the perk

And I feel free

 

The black hound

Is chained down

The wicked beast

Is unable to feast

 

No more running

No more escaping

No more fighting

No more shaming

 

The flowers next to me

Continue to whisper

Well done to thee

You escaped from winter

 

But continue the meds

The old oak tree said

One tablet a day

Will keep the wolf at bay

 

I look to the meadow

Which is rich with life

Remembering snow

And decay from that darkened time

 

No more abuse

No more pain

No more screw loose

No more rain

 

You’ve come far

The oak tree speaks

Just a few scars

But now a healthy seed

 

The wolf you fear

Is in the forest

My dear

So lift that weight of your chest

 

Your bloodline bears the curse

But you can change the fate

Stop it from getting worse

It’s not too late

 

It’s been a long journey

But now it has a happy ending

It seemed lonely

But you ended up winning

 

There may be times

Where you can still hear

The howl

 

But let that be a sign

Not to fear

The sound

Consume You

What have I told you?

What have I shown you?

I’m here through and through

And not even you have a clue

 

Love is a pain

Love is dangerous

Your love is in vain

And it’s treacherous

 

Citalopram can’t

Protect you

From what I’m about

To do

 

Dependent and needy

You’re a leach

And greedy

 

Doors have slammed

And you’re damned

This won’t go to plan

I’ll get out of hand

 

You can’t hide me

Forever

I’ll be here

Whatever weather

 

Heart break is coming

Your way

So just stop loving

That’s what I say

 

They call me the

Black beast

But I call me the

Honest priest

 

Go ahead fight

Go ahead

Be uptight

 

Out of sight

I may be

But you’ll see

I’m here for

Eternity

 

So let me preach

And hear what

I have to say

 

How can you believe?

That you’re not

Mentally ill anyway?

 

You’re emotional irregulation

Is my doing

You’re my manifestation

That I’ll ruin

 

You’re getting comfortable

You’re getting dependant

They’ll get uncomfortable

She’ll want to be independent

 

If your own mother

Doesn’t want you

If your own father

Rarely speaks to you

 

If your own brother

Is distrustful of you

Do you really think?

Your own lover

Will stay with you?

 

I don’t think so

But what I do know

Is that I won’t go

 

You’ll be left

And you’ll be left

With me

 

Without a second guess

I won’t let you rest

You’ll see

 

You’re mine not hers

You belong to me

Let it be heard

 

She’ll leave you

And then you’re doomed

Nothing new

It’s in my runes

 

I’m brewing

Can you feel me?

I’m growing

Can you hear me?

 

Don’t think

You’re loved

For the long term

 

You’ll blink

They’ll be gone

And they won’t return

 

You’ll be broken

And I’ll take you

You’ll be forsaken

And I’ll consume you

I Can Feel Myself Going Down

One less smile

With a little less hope

One more trial

Is like walking a high tightrope

 

With slight more anxiety

And a lower mood

A little grey cloud

Which brings a darker day gloom

 

The colours

That filled my life

Have turned from summers

Into darkened decayed nights

 

With tears that fall

And stream from my soul

An illness so big it

Makes me feel so small

 

With shame of mental pain

And emotional interplay

With blame on my name

I feel myself begin to fade

 

With little courage to speak

And no confidence to ask

Things are feeling bleak

And each breathe becomes a bigger task

With breakdowns

Becoming an familiar occurrence

With people around

But the illness creates a distance

 

With anxiety and fear

Screaming through my being

No one can hear

It’s just a sensation a feeling

 

An intensity of being a burden

Of bringing others down with you

Scared of hurting them

Scared they’ll start to avoid you

 

So I cry and breakdown

With no strength to smile

Just A family disappointment

Just an unfortunate let down

 

The shame of being ill

And the talks of stop medication

The sound of it’s not real

To the you’re addicted and it’s an abomination

 

The plead of please let me in

To the memories of why you shouldn’t

The encouragement of I won’t hurt you

To the, they did and said they wouldn’t

 

To the haunted old wounds

Which shattered trust

Was ripped from

 

The memories of family feuds

Which self-disgust

Is strengthened on

 

The terror of the disconnection

Your mind will cause

The numbness for self-mutilation

Which starts to call

 

The believing of this will be forever

Because it feels so real

But the knowledge of riding it out together

Will help you heal

Unwanted Anniversary

It’s been a year you

Piece of shit

It’s been a year

And you’re still here

 

Go on then tell me

The news

How no one wants me

Say what you chose

 

Ask me where

My family is

Oh yeah they disowned me

We’ve been over this

 

Tell me again

How I’m scum

That people pretend

I’m a loved one

 

Tell me to kill myself

Say it loud and proud

That my mental health

Covered by your black cloud

 

Narrate your way

Into my little life

Push me each day

To grab a knife

Fuck you

You’re not winning

Fuck you

I’m still living

 

I may be silenced

By your reign

But I will forever protest

Your game

 

With a painted smile

Saying I’m fine

But I know the vile

Pain inside

 

But your just years

Of blame

Years of abuse

Years of shame

 

You’re not mine

Hyde can have this back

Fuck this bloodline

My life is on a different track

 

You’re the worst present

In history

And if I could dispose of you

I would instantly

 

You can throw painful

Memories

You can throw eventful

Years of treachery

 

Go ahead let me

Relive the lot

But my tablets have the words

Written fuck off

 

The mentally ill

Should be

Avoided

 

Be careful

Be weary

Be aware

In case it’s scary

 

Those words in my head

Keep shouting

It’s like the whole world

Is still howling

 

Ignorance is a bliss

And sure

We’ll give it a miss

But some things stick

 

Enough to make you

Want to leave

And run from the blue

You make me feel unlovable

You make me feel deep down

I’m just pure trouble

 

You say people don’t care

Fine have it your way

You say people won’t ever love me

Fine just have your say

 

Probably true

Probably not

But happy unwanted anniversary

Now get lost

Society’s Shadows

It’s not here

That’s what we tell ourselves

To avoid the fears

Surrounding our mental health

 

Living a better life

With more hope

To walk in strides

 

But it’s not all light

And smiles

Some nights are just

Vile

 

In a state of good function

It’s easy to forget

The mental disruption

At its best

 

Following the right road

But our shadows

Still loom behind us

 

Carrying our painful moans

That scream out

From our distant past

 

A ticking time bomb

That’s what they say

But I don’t want to hurt no one

I don’t want my life

To go that way

 

Stay away

Listen to the stigmas

Don’t mix with the grey

 

Don’t get to know

They’ll only make you low

 

They’re dangerous

They’re abusive

They’re treacherous

To be with

 

They’re right

In prior

As this fight

Spreads like fire

 

But can’t we be more than that?

Is their other aspects

One could look at?

 

Do I need to be afraid of this?

Do people only see my abyss?

 

Is the mental chaos

All that should be seen

I’d like to think there is more to me

Than what’s in-between

 

It’s not all the time

I promise

Its shows it self

Every now and then

Honest

 

The fear is strong in others

So we put ourselves through

Hell

To make it plunder

 

Medications

Stretching and pulling

At our brain systems

Stripping and pushing

 

Higher the dose

Grind through the chaos

The painful change in

Innovation

Enough to bring us to our knees

And plead for salvation

 

The sensation isn’t great

Remember your changing the chemicals

In your brain to adjust your mental state

 

Changing meds

Changing therapists

Changing mental states

Changing everything

 

We learn to deal with internal screaming

And our bodies fighting against us

We learn to deal with life’s beating

And we learn to function at last

 

Functioning and stable

That’s what society wanted

So now it’s on the table

 

A long journey

A long fight

A lot of worry

So we stay out of sight

 

But when things get better

And things get lighter

When things start to get easier

And life gets a little breezier

 

When we learn to fit

The way society wants us

To fit

 

There still seems to be shadows

That haunt us

People don’t forget

Our unfortunate distress

 

Little reminders everywhere

That there’s something wrong with us

Little reminders everywhere

That no matter what

Our shadows will haunt us

Run From The Sun Seven: The Fighting

I walk into the Darkened forest
Where he slumbers
My eyes burning an internal red
From his fights that thunder
The trees are decaying
A metaphor of my brain
That he’s taking
I walk further in
There’s a large circle

Of trees that he resides in
Get out I voice
Get out now
You have no choice
He Rises and stretches
A black beast with sharpened
Edges
He rolls his head
And Looks to me
Red haunted eyes
Glaring to see

 

I will kill you
He whispers
I will kill you

 

I walk towards him
With a heart of fire
Breathing heavily
In Anger of desire
Good fucking luck
I spit with Anger
Good fucking luck
I shout louder

 

He elongates
His dark venomous arm
And grabs me by the throat
I gasp in frustrated alarm
As I begin to choke

 

Good luck he repeats
Good fucking luck?
He swings me around
And violently hurls me against the trees
And loud Breaking sound
Snaps inside of me

He howls as he attacks
And lunges at me
He scratches restlessly
And loud noises ripple
As each blow claws me

Broken and bleeding
I reach into my pocket
I grab my anti-depressant
And smash it across him

 

He backs away
As his face starts to burn
He backs away
As his face starts to turn

 

You!
He roars
YOU!!!
He thunders

 

I still lay on the floor
From the hours of brawl
Breathing and bleeding heavily
As my wounds begin to pour

 

How Dare you!!!

You are mine!!!

You are going to lose

Your time is mine!!!

 

I will give you despair

I will empty you hollow

I will sabotage your repair

I will place you in pits of sorrow

 

I will disconnect you

From everyone and everything

Until you have nowhere to go

And life becomes just one long painful sting

 

I will make life so unbearable

That nothing you will do will heal

I will make life so deplorable

That I will be all you feel

 

You are not wanted

You are not loved

 

You are vindictive

And people will soon have enough

 

God will turn his back on you

People will forget and leave you

Life will be miserable each day through

And no one will be able to help you

 

I will remind you everyday

Why you were disowned and left

I will remind you everyday

Why the person you’re in love with

Doesn’t want you, you mess!!!

 

You’re wrong I whisper shakily

 

I’m what? He states hesitantly

 

You’re wrong I speak painfully

 

I’ll show you who’s wrong

 

He goes to ruthlessly cut deep

But I get my medication

And take it quickly

 

Shackles of chains grab

His arms, his legs

His neck and head

 

He leans in

In frustration

Glaring

With irritation

 

You’ll get me one day

I stutter

Just not today

He mutters