Run From The Sun 8 End Of Major Depression

 

The sun is bright

The sky is blue

I look over and see you

 

With the dark clouds

In the distance

Just a small thunder sound

That’s not interference

 

The medication worked

And so did the therapy

The dedication caused the perk

And I feel free

 

The black hound

Is chained down

The wicked beast

Is unable to feast

 

No more running

No more escaping

No more fighting

No more shaming

 

The flowers next to me

Continue to whisper

Well done to thee

You escaped from winter

 

But continue the meds

The old oak tree said

One tablet a day

Will keep the wolf at bay

 

I look to the meadow

Which is rich with life

Remembering snow

And decay from that darkened time

 

No more abuse

No more pain

No more screw loose

No more rain

 

You’ve come far

The oak tree speaks

Just a few scars

But now a healthy seed

 

The wolf you fear

Is in the forest

My dear

So lift that weight of your chest

 

Your bloodline bears the curse

But you can change the fate

Stop it from getting worse

It’s not too late

 

It’s been a long journey

But now it has a happy ending

It seemed lonely

But you ended up winning

 

There may be times

Where you can still hear

The howl

 

But let that be a sign

Not to fear

The sound

If Borderline

If I go to therapy

If I take my meds

If I let you help me

If I try my best

 

If I change who I am

If I take in the criticism

If I carry on the Citalopram

If I carry my optimism

 

If I pretend I’m fine

If I over react to sound

If I give off all the signs

If I constantly breakdown

 

If I cry one minute

And laugh the next

If I start to prosecute

Will it make sense?

 

If I’m easily triggered

And think too much

If I become bitter

And become too harsh

 

If I socialise one minute

If I withdraw the next

If my mind starts to parachute

If I start to feel helpless

 

If anxiety is normal

And Depression is next

If I don’t cope at all

If I become intense

 

If I end up dead

If I end up alive

If I remain scared

If I try to strive

 

If I mess up relationships

If I continue my outbursts

If I mess up relationships

If I attack first

 

If I struggle interpersonally

If I cross the line

If I blow up internally

Would you call me borderline?

Consume You

What have I told you?

What have I shown you?

I’m here through and through

And not even you have a clue

 

Love is a pain

Love is dangerous

Your love is in vain

And it’s treacherous

 

Citalopram can’t

Protect you

From what I’m about

To do

 

Dependent and needy

You’re a leach

And greedy

 

Doors have slammed

And you’re damned

This won’t go to plan

I’ll get out of hand

 

You can’t hide me

Forever

I’ll be here

Whatever weather

 

Heart break is coming

Your way

So just stop loving

That’s what I say

 

They call me the

Black beast

But I call me the

Honest priest

 

Go ahead fight

Go ahead

Be uptight

 

Out of sight

I may be

But you’ll see

I’m here for

Eternity

 

So let me preach

And hear what

I have to say

 

How can you believe?

That you’re not

Mentally ill anyway?

 

You’re emotional irregulation

Is my doing

You’re my manifestation

That I’ll ruin

 

You’re getting comfortable

You’re getting dependant

They’ll get uncomfortable

She’ll want to be independent

 

If your own mother

Doesn’t want you

If your own father

Rarely speaks to you

 

If your own brother

Is distrustful of you

Do you really think?

Your own lover

Will stay with you?

 

I don’t think so

But what I do know

Is that I won’t go

 

You’ll be left

And you’ll be left

With me

 

Without a second guess

I won’t let you rest

You’ll see

 

You’re mine not hers

You belong to me

Let it be heard

 

She’ll leave you

And then you’re doomed

Nothing new

It’s in my runes

 

I’m brewing

Can you feel me?

I’m growing

Can you hear me?

 

Don’t think

You’re loved

For the long term

 

You’ll blink

They’ll be gone

And they won’t return

 

You’ll be broken

And I’ll take you

You’ll be forsaken

And I’ll consume you

See Me

Welcome to this wild world

Where the pressure is high

And the ones that struggle go low

With little health to thrive

 

Just pick an illness

And we’ve all got a trait

Just a fast pace life waiting to kill us

If we’re late

 

Take my mind

And breathe it for a day

You’ll soon realise

Things are harder my way

 

Keep it silent

Keep it tucked under

Stay compliant

We’re prey not hunters

 

I just want to explode

But I don’t know how

I feel I’m about to implode

But I feel I’m not allowed

 

How do I speak?

Without bringing others down

How to I sleep

With all my internal sound

 

You look fine

You seem okay

Because over time

I learnt to behave that way

 

But I need to speak

I need to cry

Just a little comfort

And then I’ll be fine

 

I don’t want to

Take up energy

But I feel the blue

About to take over me

 

But I don’t know how

To tell anyone

I’m forever scared and trapped

In a thunder storm

 

I can’t tell them how

I’m feeling it will

Drive them away

 

I can’t let this out

But I can’t seal it

Completely away

 

How do I get those?

Who want to inflict pain

To leave me be

 

I am far not close

I’m not in there way

They don’t have to see me

 

I pray to God

I pray to mother earth

Why are there cowards

Why am I the curse?

 

Why shift the battle onto me

Why shift the battle and join in

Why when you don’t see me

Must I be the one to bring sin?

 

I feel the need to be strong

Brave and impenetrable

Because I seem to be the only one

That can see what’s going on

 

It has been this way for years

Nothing is going to change

Nothing is more crystal clear

Then this persistent cycle of pain

 

So drop the happy family image

That one day we will all love each other

Let go of the concept love has no limit

I no longer wish to suffer

 

I’m feeling the intensity now

So bring on the break down

People have enough on their plate

Without hearing me make a sound

 

Please love me

Please look after me

Please keep me

Please see me

 

I’m silent

But suffering

I’m quite

But struggling

 

It’s beginning to build up

I can’t speak

And no one will ask

 

Scared to speak as such

In case you feel overwhelmed

In case you close down and shut

 

It will end it will pass

Painful times

Will not last

 

So I’ll keep trying

I’ve got my back

I’ll keep fighting to stay on track

My Hopes In Healing

Growing up people left

I’ll be here for you

Is what they said

 

I learnt the hard way

That those you love

Will leave with the overcast

When times get rough

 

When the terror gets real

When pain gets worse

They’re the first to leave

They’re the first to disperse

 

Left to carry the family shame

Of keeping quiet of the business

That’s causing the internal hurricane

 

An invisible hand print bruise

From someone who views you

As something to use

 

Pushed away for not being perfect

From unrealistic idealistic

Concept

 

No one’s free

Children born from dark minds

Will constantly

Be haunted from what’s left behind

 

Chained to shame

Shackles of pain

Stains of blame

From battles in hell

 

Words that sting

Become noise within

Sounds of screams

Are now broken in

 

I can change my name

But I can’t escape the bloodline

I can change my ways

But I can’t escape triggers that Hyde

 

Bringing strongly formed hopes

Into my future

That I used as a life rope

To bring my dreams closer

 

Told to trust no one

And demonstrated by the speaker

Taught to love no one

Because it will be lost to the preacher

 

To grow and heal

And care for others

But remembering at will

It’s just you once life takes you under

I don’t expect you to love me back

Or feel waves of happiness

I’ll keep myself on track

Without life’s sadness

 

Try your best

Try harder

Because one day

Your life will fill with laughter

 

We’ll step out of Depression

And into a home

With a family and stability

 

Where no one is disowned

With no mental games

And only love is shown

 

No more back packing

No more moving

No more safe here one day

But told to go away

The next

 

No more storms

Swirling at you

No more rivers

To cry into

 

Just a little more love

And a touch of happiness

I’m sure the universe can voucher that

If I work hard and make good progress

 

So this is goodbye

Have a great day

Song long past

So long grey

 

They said you were beside yourself

But you rejected me

And ruined my mental health

 

Sabotaged my life

And sent me insane

You might have well used a knife

If that was your game

 

But casting me away was your best

Decision yet

Because no relationship is better

Then an unhealthy one yes?

 

So I’ll let people push me away

I’ll let those who want to walk out

Of my life leave

 

If they reject me it’s that distance I’ll stay

If they scream and shout

Another step away is where I’ll be

 

Because holding on

And repeating mistakes

Is like not letting go of a thorn

That should be tossed to the lake

 

It will be okay

Just keep focused

And walk and prey

 

You broke my heart

Over and over again

Before any women could

 

And hopefully one day

I can make a fresh start

And open up

 

Without fear

Of being emotionally attacked

With a loved one near

With only love and friendly contact

I Can Feel Myself Going Down

One less smile

With a little less hope

One more trial

Is like walking a high tightrope

 

With slight more anxiety

And a lower mood

A little grey cloud

Which brings a darker day gloom

 

The colours

That filled my life

Have turned from summers

Into darkened decayed nights

 

With tears that fall

And stream from my soul

An illness so big it

Makes me feel so small

 

With shame of mental pain

And emotional interplay

With blame on my name

I feel myself begin to fade

 

With little courage to speak

And no confidence to ask

Things are feeling bleak

And each breathe becomes a bigger task

With breakdowns

Becoming an familiar occurrence

With people around

But the illness creates a distance

 

With anxiety and fear

Screaming through my being

No one can hear

It’s just a sensation a feeling

 

An intensity of being a burden

Of bringing others down with you

Scared of hurting them

Scared they’ll start to avoid you

 

So I cry and breakdown

With no strength to smile

Just A family disappointment

Just an unfortunate let down

 

The shame of being ill

And the talks of stop medication

The sound of it’s not real

To the you’re addicted and it’s an abomination

 

The plead of please let me in

To the memories of why you shouldn’t

The encouragement of I won’t hurt you

To the, they did and said they wouldn’t

 

To the haunted old wounds

Which shattered trust

Was ripped from

 

The memories of family feuds

Which self-disgust

Is strengthened on

 

The terror of the disconnection

Your mind will cause

The numbness for self-mutilation

Which starts to call

 

The believing of this will be forever

Because it feels so real

But the knowledge of riding it out together

Will help you heal

Unwanted Anniversary

It’s been a year you

Piece of shit

It’s been a year

And you’re still here

 

Go on then tell me

The news

How no one wants me

Say what you chose

 

Ask me where

My family is

Oh yeah they disowned me

We’ve been over this

 

Tell me again

How I’m scum

That people pretend

I’m a loved one

 

Tell me to kill myself

Say it loud and proud

That my mental health

Covered by your black cloud

 

Narrate your way

Into my little life

Push me each day

To grab a knife

Fuck you

You’re not winning

Fuck you

I’m still living

 

I may be silenced

By your reign

But I will forever protest

Your game

 

With a painted smile

Saying I’m fine

But I know the vile

Pain inside

 

But your just years

Of blame

Years of abuse

Years of shame

 

You’re not mine

Hyde can have this back

Fuck this bloodline

My life is on a different track

 

You’re the worst present

In history

And if I could dispose of you

I would instantly

 

You can throw painful

Memories

You can throw eventful

Years of treachery

 

Go ahead let me

Relive the lot

But my tablets have the words

Written fuck off

 

The mentally ill

Should be

Avoided

 

Be careful

Be weary

Be aware

In case it’s scary

 

Those words in my head

Keep shouting

It’s like the whole world

Is still howling

 

Ignorance is a bliss

And sure

We’ll give it a miss

But some things stick

 

Enough to make you

Want to leave

And run from the blue

You make me feel unlovable

You make me feel deep down

I’m just pure trouble

 

You say people don’t care

Fine have it your way

You say people won’t ever love me

Fine just have your say

 

Probably true

Probably not

But happy unwanted anniversary

Now get lost