You Don’t Realise

You don’t realise

How bright life is

Until the cold night

Causes it to wither

 

You don’t realise

How good a smile feels

Until the howling cry

Comes echoing from the hills

 

You don’t realise

How good it feels now

Until the sighs

Weigh you to the ground

 

You don’t realise

The cost of happiness

Until it’s sacrificed

Into Depressions darkness

 

You don’t realise

The meaning of compromise

Until you make a Doctors deal

For a clinical pill

 

 

You don’t realise

The price of shame

Until Depression tightens

Its restricting chains

 

Nothing teaches you a lesson

Quite like Depression

Nothing forces oppression

Quite like regression

 

Nothing forces you

To let go of that

That wants to ruin you

 

No message

Is louder than a storm

That thunders

Towards you

 

From a mess

That’s formed

And plunders

Unfairly onto you

 

No one understands

The hollowing

That takes place

Behind your face

 

No one understands

The wallowing

In a small space

Begging for a God’s grace

 

Forgiveness for the

Forgotten

That’s listed

At rock bottom

 

The anger and anguishes

That builds over time

From pain and injustice

That rattles like a broken chime

 

To have your soul within

Taken

By an illness that started in

My cradle

 

To be suffering

Unbearably

While jittering

Mentally

 

The pleasure in

Causing pain

Further drove me

Insane

 

No humanity

No empathy

Behind those eyes

 

Just lies

Insanity

And a sick kick

From your cries

 

Why watch horror

Shows and documentaries

When I can just venture

Into my memories

 

Why speak

When people

Tell you how you feel

 

Why see

When people

Turn blind at will

 

Why realise

How good it

Was to be human

 

When life

Slips in

And throws Depression

If Borderline

If I go to therapy

If I take my meds

If I let you help me

If I try my best

 

If I change who I am

If I take in the criticism

If I carry on the Citalopram

If I carry my optimism

 

If I pretend I’m fine

If I over react to sound

If I give off all the signs

If I constantly breakdown

 

If I cry one minute

And laugh the next

If I start to prosecute

Will it make sense?

 

If I’m easily triggered

And think too much

If I become bitter

And become too harsh

 

If I socialise one minute

If I withdraw the next

If my mind starts to parachute

If I start to feel helpless

 

If anxiety is normal

And Depression is next

If I don’t cope at all

If I become intense

 

If I end up dead

If I end up alive

If I remain scared

If I try to strive

 

If I mess up relationships

If I continue my outbursts

If I mess up relationships

If I attack first

 

If I struggle interpersonally

If I cross the line

If I blow up internally

Would you call me borderline?

Consume You

What have I told you?

What have I shown you?

I’m here through and through

And not even you have a clue

 

Love is a pain

Love is dangerous

Your love is in vain

And it’s treacherous

 

Citalopram can’t

Protect you

From what I’m about

To do

 

Dependent and needy

You’re a leach

And greedy

 

Doors have slammed

And you’re damned

This won’t go to plan

I’ll get out of hand

 

You can’t hide me

Forever

I’ll be here

Whatever weather

 

Heart break is coming

Your way

So just stop loving

That’s what I say

 

They call me the

Black beast

But I call me the

Honest priest

 

Go ahead fight

Go ahead

Be uptight

 

Out of sight

I may be

But you’ll see

I’m here for

Eternity

 

So let me preach

And hear what

I have to say

 

How can you believe?

That you’re not

Mentally ill anyway?

 

You’re emotional irregulation

Is my doing

You’re my manifestation

That I’ll ruin

 

You’re getting comfortable

You’re getting dependant

They’ll get uncomfortable

She’ll want to be independent

 

If your own mother

Doesn’t want you

If your own father

Rarely speaks to you

 

If your own brother

Is distrustful of you

Do you really think?

Your own lover

Will stay with you?

 

I don’t think so

But what I do know

Is that I won’t go

 

You’ll be left

And you’ll be left

With me

 

Without a second guess

I won’t let you rest

You’ll see

 

You’re mine not hers

You belong to me

Let it be heard

 

She’ll leave you

And then you’re doomed

Nothing new

It’s in my runes

 

I’m brewing

Can you feel me?

I’m growing

Can you hear me?

 

Don’t think

You’re loved

For the long term

 

You’ll blink

They’ll be gone

And they won’t return

 

You’ll be broken

And I’ll take you

You’ll be forsaken

And I’ll consume you

See Me

Welcome to this wild world

Where the pressure is high

And the ones that struggle go low

With little health to thrive

 

Just pick an illness

And we’ve all got a trait

Just a fast pace life waiting to kill us

If we’re late

 

Take my mind

And breathe it for a day

You’ll soon realise

Things are harder my way

 

Keep it silent

Keep it tucked under

Stay compliant

We’re prey not hunters

 

I just want to explode

But I don’t know how

I feel I’m about to implode

But I feel I’m not allowed

 

How do I speak?

Without bringing others down

How to I sleep

With all my internal sound

 

You look fine

You seem okay

Because over time

I learnt to behave that way

 

But I need to speak

I need to cry

Just a little comfort

And then I’ll be fine

 

I don’t want to

Take up energy

But I feel the blue

About to take over me

 

But I don’t know how

To tell anyone

I’m forever scared and trapped

In a thunder storm

 

I can’t tell them how

I’m feeling it will

Drive them away

 

I can’t let this out

But I can’t seal it

Completely away

 

How do I get those?

Who want to inflict pain

To leave me be

 

I am far not close

I’m not in there way

They don’t have to see me

 

I pray to God

I pray to mother earth

Why are there cowards

Why am I the curse?

 

Why shift the battle onto me

Why shift the battle and join in

Why when you don’t see me

Must I be the one to bring sin?

 

I feel the need to be strong

Brave and impenetrable

Because I seem to be the only one

That can see what’s going on

 

It has been this way for years

Nothing is going to change

Nothing is more crystal clear

Then this persistent cycle of pain

 

So drop the happy family image

That one day we will all love each other

Let go of the concept love has no limit

I no longer wish to suffer

 

I’m feeling the intensity now

So bring on the break down

People have enough on their plate

Without hearing me make a sound

 

Please love me

Please look after me

Please keep me

Please see me

 

I’m silent

But suffering

I’m quite

But struggling

 

It’s beginning to build up

I can’t speak

And no one will ask

 

Scared to speak as such

In case you feel overwhelmed

In case you close down and shut

 

It will end it will pass

Painful times

Will not last

 

So I’ll keep trying

I’ve got my back

I’ll keep fighting to stay on track

I Can Feel Myself Going Down

One less smile

With a little less hope

One more trial

Is like walking a high tightrope

 

With slight more anxiety

And a lower mood

A little grey cloud

Which brings a darker day gloom

 

The colours

That filled my life

Have turned from summers

Into darkened decayed nights

 

With tears that fall

And stream from my soul

An illness so big it

Makes me feel so small

 

With shame of mental pain

And emotional interplay

With blame on my name

I feel myself begin to fade

 

With little courage to speak

And no confidence to ask

Things are feeling bleak

And each breathe becomes a bigger task

With breakdowns

Becoming an familiar occurrence

With people around

But the illness creates a distance

 

With anxiety and fear

Screaming through my being

No one can hear

It’s just a sensation a feeling

 

An intensity of being a burden

Of bringing others down with you

Scared of hurting them

Scared they’ll start to avoid you

 

So I cry and breakdown

With no strength to smile

Just A family disappointment

Just an unfortunate let down

 

The shame of being ill

And the talks of stop medication

The sound of it’s not real

To the you’re addicted and it’s an abomination

 

The plead of please let me in

To the memories of why you shouldn’t

The encouragement of I won’t hurt you

To the, they did and said they wouldn’t

 

To the haunted old wounds

Which shattered trust

Was ripped from

 

The memories of family feuds

Which self-disgust

Is strengthened on

 

The terror of the disconnection

Your mind will cause

The numbness for self-mutilation

Which starts to call

 

The believing of this will be forever

Because it feels so real

But the knowledge of riding it out together

Will help you heal

Silenced By Shame

I wake up each day

And ignore the grey

Forever scared

It will send the fog

My way

 

What you see

And what I see

Are totally different

 

Because what’s in me

And what I try to be

Doesn’t seem coherent

 

I want to say what’s going on

But I don’t want to ruin

Us getting along

 

It’s like my brains

Screams one thing

And my body screams

Another

 

It’s like one shouts insane

And the other shouts

Take cover

 

The wolfs excited

Here comes the

The one year anniversary

But I try to hide it

And it’s haunting adversary

 

Don’t let anyone in

That’s what I learnt

As throughout existing

I just end up getting hurt

 

This illness isn’t mine

It was drilled into me

Throughout time

 

So why am I carrying it?

Why do I have to fight it?

I didn’t ask

To be lumbered with it

 

Still picking up the pieces

From someone else’s

Mental rage

 

Hopefully now they’ll leave me

Hopefully now they’re satisfied

Till the end of days

With their peace of mind

 

 

It seemed to last forever

And the extent

They would go

To ruin me

 

Well…

It showed me

A side of life scarier than

Ever

 

No heroes

No saviours

You’re on your own

Kid I’ll see you later

 

A reoccurring theme

That runs through my destiny

 

Sending me a Depression

That brought me to my knees

 

While a being kicked

Me down harder

With a passion for giving

Trauma

 

Silenced

By emotional

Violence

 

No I’m resistant

To let people know

If I need assistance

 

I don’t want to be the person

That the label brings

If I worsen

I’ll just keep it

Tucked within

 

Because the voice of shame

Shouts louder then

The emotional pain

 

Talk to me when

You’re not okay

But negativity

Pushes people away

 

So I’m scared to say

If I’m struggling in

The grey

 

Society warns people

That the mentally different are dangerous

That we should treat these people

As strangers and not our neighbours

 

Out casted by our own race

Might as well shoot us

Down in that case

 

So I will

Deal with this myself

People want to help

They care for my health

 

But the voice of shame

Continues its silencing

Rein

What Now?

Life is one way

And the other way

Is grey

 

Breaking apart storms

That always seem to ricochet

Into the dawn

 

It’s like life

Is Gods game

And we’re here

To be mocked

 

So we brave substances

That alleviate

This worlds grudges

And this over world shock

 

We can’t always save

The people

That are taken by the sea

 

We can’t always help

The people

That just want to be

Left to be

 

We can’t always stop

The pain

That others feel

Deeply

We can’t always leave

The past

That brings the scars

Into our reality

 

We can’t always love

The people

That hurt us

Badly

 

And we can’t always be

Heroes

Sadly

 

There are times

When the disheartened

Feeling takes its tole

 

And depression looms in

During the darker times

Of a grieving soul

 

So don’t hold our hands

As we walk towards

The bitter cold

 

Let us leave, let us go

As society looks

On through their tainted

Window

 

So as

Those howls

Call us in

 

In our minds

The darkness

Always seems

To win

 

You can’t save everyone

That’s what the world

Sings

 

And the frustration

That it brings

Just brings

A prolonged sting

 

But as the dreary months

Just seem to cast on over

As one’s life is just

Seems to get lower

 

But then something

Changes

 

And the hard work

That takes ages

 

Seems to take

You somewhere

 

Its pace

Takes us places

 

And what we dreams of

And anticipated

Seems to be waiting for us

To grab and share

 

And when we look

Back

And wonder

 

We wonder

If life off track

With its plunder

 

Was a sign

That things needed

To change

So it took us under

And showed us its hunter

 

Did we really want to?

Kill ourselves

Or

Was it too

Rid the internal

Thunder

 

To destroy

Apart of ourselves

The riot

 

That just screamed

Louder

Then the rest of

Our self

Which was quiet

 

What are we now?

Where are we?

 

Are people like me?

Out there?

 

Is there a place

For people

Like us?

 

To fit in?

Or are we to turn

To dust?

 

I guess

No one can know

 

So for now

I’ll just ride with it

And go where the wind blows