You Don’t Realise

You don’t realise

How bright life is

Until the cold night

Causes it to wither


You don’t realise

How good a smile feels

Until the howling cry

Comes echoing from the hills


You don’t realise

How good it feels now

Until the sighs

Weigh you to the ground


You don’t realise

The cost of happiness

Until it’s sacrificed

Into Depressions darkness


You don’t realise

The meaning of compromise

Until you make a Doctors deal

For a clinical pill



You don’t realise

The price of shame

Until Depression tightens

Its restricting chains


Nothing teaches you a lesson

Quite like Depression

Nothing forces oppression

Quite like regression


Nothing forces you

To let go of that

That wants to ruin you


No message

Is louder than a storm

That thunders

Towards you


From a mess

That’s formed

And plunders

Unfairly onto you


No one understands

The hollowing

That takes place

Behind your face


No one understands

The wallowing

In a small space

Begging for a God’s grace


Forgiveness for the


That’s listed

At rock bottom


The anger and anguishes

That builds over time

From pain and injustice

That rattles like a broken chime


To have your soul within


By an illness that started in

My cradle


To be suffering


While jittering



The pleasure in

Causing pain

Further drove me



No humanity

No empathy

Behind those eyes


Just lies


And a sick kick

From your cries


Why watch horror

Shows and documentaries

When I can just venture

Into my memories


Why speak

When people

Tell you how you feel


Why see

When people

Turn blind at will


Why realise

How good it

Was to be human


When life

Slips in

And throws Depression


See Me

Welcome to this wild world

Where the pressure is high

And the ones that struggle go low

With little health to thrive


Just pick an illness

And we’ve all got a trait

Just a fast pace life waiting to kill us

If we’re late


Take my mind

And breathe it for a day

You’ll soon realise

Things are harder my way


Keep it silent

Keep it tucked under

Stay compliant

We’re prey not hunters


I just want to explode

But I don’t know how

I feel I’m about to implode

But I feel I’m not allowed


How do I speak?

Without bringing others down

How to I sleep

With all my internal sound


You look fine

You seem okay

Because over time

I learnt to behave that way


But I need to speak

I need to cry

Just a little comfort

And then I’ll be fine


I don’t want to

Take up energy

But I feel the blue

About to take over me


But I don’t know how

To tell anyone

I’m forever scared and trapped

In a thunder storm


I can’t tell them how

I’m feeling it will

Drive them away


I can’t let this out

But I can’t seal it

Completely away


How do I get those?

Who want to inflict pain

To leave me be


I am far not close

I’m not in there way

They don’t have to see me


I pray to God

I pray to mother earth

Why are there cowards

Why am I the curse?


Why shift the battle onto me

Why shift the battle and join in

Why when you don’t see me

Must I be the one to bring sin?


I feel the need to be strong

Brave and impenetrable

Because I seem to be the only one

That can see what’s going on


It has been this way for years

Nothing is going to change

Nothing is more crystal clear

Then this persistent cycle of pain


So drop the happy family image

That one day we will all love each other

Let go of the concept love has no limit

I no longer wish to suffer


I’m feeling the intensity now

So bring on the break down

People have enough on their plate

Without hearing me make a sound


Please love me

Please look after me

Please keep me

Please see me


I’m silent

But suffering

I’m quite

But struggling


It’s beginning to build up

I can’t speak

And no one will ask


Scared to speak as such

In case you feel overwhelmed

In case you close down and shut


It will end it will pass

Painful times

Will not last


So I’ll keep trying

I’ve got my back

I’ll keep fighting to stay on track

I Can Feel Myself Going Down

One less smile

With a little less hope

One more trial

Is like walking a high tightrope


With slight more anxiety

And a lower mood

A little grey cloud

Which brings a darker day gloom


The colours

That filled my life

Have turned from summers

Into darkened decayed nights


With tears that fall

And stream from my soul

An illness so big it

Makes me feel so small


With shame of mental pain

And emotional interplay

With blame on my name

I feel myself begin to fade


With little courage to speak

And no confidence to ask

Things are feeling bleak

And each breathe becomes a bigger task

With breakdowns

Becoming an familiar occurrence

With people around

But the illness creates a distance


With anxiety and fear

Screaming through my being

No one can hear

It’s just a sensation a feeling


An intensity of being a burden

Of bringing others down with you

Scared of hurting them

Scared they’ll start to avoid you


So I cry and breakdown

With no strength to smile

Just A family disappointment

Just an unfortunate let down


The shame of being ill

And the talks of stop medication

The sound of it’s not real

To the you’re addicted and it’s an abomination


The plead of please let me in

To the memories of why you shouldn’t

The encouragement of I won’t hurt you

To the, they did and said they wouldn’t


To the haunted old wounds

Which shattered trust

Was ripped from


The memories of family feuds

Which self-disgust

Is strengthened on


The terror of the disconnection

Your mind will cause

The numbness for self-mutilation

Which starts to call


The believing of this will be forever

Because it feels so real

But the knowledge of riding it out together

Will help you heal

Unwanted Anniversary

It’s been a year you

Piece of shit

It’s been a year

And you’re still here


Go on then tell me

The news

How no one wants me

Say what you chose


Ask me where

My family is

Oh yeah they disowned me

We’ve been over this


Tell me again

How I’m scum

That people pretend

I’m a loved one


Tell me to kill myself

Say it loud and proud

That my mental health

Covered by your black cloud


Narrate your way

Into my little life

Push me each day

To grab a knife

Fuck you

You’re not winning

Fuck you

I’m still living


I may be silenced

By your reign

But I will forever protest

Your game


With a painted smile

Saying I’m fine

But I know the vile

Pain inside


But your just years

Of blame

Years of abuse

Years of shame


You’re not mine

Hyde can have this back

Fuck this bloodline

My life is on a different track


You’re the worst present

In history

And if I could dispose of you

I would instantly


You can throw painful


You can throw eventful

Years of treachery


Go ahead let me

Relive the lot

But my tablets have the words

Written fuck off


The mentally ill

Should be



Be careful

Be weary

Be aware

In case it’s scary


Those words in my head

Keep shouting

It’s like the whole world

Is still howling


Ignorance is a bliss

And sure

We’ll give it a miss

But some things stick


Enough to make you

Want to leave

And run from the blue

You make me feel unlovable

You make me feel deep down

I’m just pure trouble


You say people don’t care

Fine have it your way

You say people won’t ever love me

Fine just have your say


Probably true

Probably not

But happy unwanted anniversary

Now get lost

Silenced By Shame

I wake up each day

And ignore the grey

Forever scared

It will send the fog

My way


What you see

And what I see

Are totally different


Because what’s in me

And what I try to be

Doesn’t seem coherent


I want to say what’s going on

But I don’t want to ruin

Us getting along


It’s like my brains

Screams one thing

And my body screams



It’s like one shouts insane

And the other shouts

Take cover


The wolfs excited

Here comes the

The one year anniversary

But I try to hide it

And it’s haunting adversary


Don’t let anyone in

That’s what I learnt

As throughout existing

I just end up getting hurt


This illness isn’t mine

It was drilled into me

Throughout time


So why am I carrying it?

Why do I have to fight it?

I didn’t ask

To be lumbered with it


Still picking up the pieces

From someone else’s

Mental rage


Hopefully now they’ll leave me

Hopefully now they’re satisfied

Till the end of days

With their peace of mind



It seemed to last forever

And the extent

They would go

To ruin me



It showed me

A side of life scarier than



No heroes

No saviours

You’re on your own

Kid I’ll see you later


A reoccurring theme

That runs through my destiny


Sending me a Depression

That brought me to my knees


While a being kicked

Me down harder

With a passion for giving




By emotional



No I’m resistant

To let people know

If I need assistance


I don’t want to be the person

That the label brings

If I worsen

I’ll just keep it

Tucked within


Because the voice of shame

Shouts louder then

The emotional pain


Talk to me when

You’re not okay

But negativity

Pushes people away


So I’m scared to say

If I’m struggling in

The grey


Society warns people

That the mentally different are dangerous

That we should treat these people

As strangers and not our neighbours


Out casted by our own race

Might as well shoot us

Down in that case


So I will

Deal with this myself

People want to help

They care for my health


But the voice of shame

Continues its silencing


What Now?

Life is one way

And the other way

Is grey


Breaking apart storms

That always seem to ricochet

Into the dawn


It’s like life

Is Gods game

And we’re here

To be mocked


So we brave substances

That alleviate

This worlds grudges

And this over world shock


We can’t always save

The people

That are taken by the sea


We can’t always help

The people

That just want to be

Left to be


We can’t always stop

The pain

That others feel


We can’t always leave

The past

That brings the scars

Into our reality


We can’t always love

The people

That hurt us



And we can’t always be




There are times

When the disheartened

Feeling takes its tole


And depression looms in

During the darker times

Of a grieving soul


So don’t hold our hands

As we walk towards

The bitter cold


Let us leave, let us go

As society looks

On through their tainted



So as

Those howls

Call us in


In our minds

The darkness

Always seems

To win


You can’t save everyone

That’s what the world



And the frustration

That it brings

Just brings

A prolonged sting


But as the dreary months

Just seem to cast on over

As one’s life is just

Seems to get lower


But then something



And the hard work

That takes ages


Seems to take

You somewhere


Its pace

Takes us places


And what we dreams of

And anticipated

Seems to be waiting for us

To grab and share


And when we look


And wonder


We wonder

If life off track

With its plunder


Was a sign

That things needed

To change

So it took us under

And showed us its hunter


Did we really want to?

Kill ourselves


Was it too

Rid the internal



To destroy

Apart of ourselves

The riot


That just screamed


Then the rest of

Our self

Which was quiet


What are we now?

Where are we?


Are people like me?

Out there?


Is there a place

For people

Like us?


To fit in?

Or are we to turn

To dust?


I guess

No one can know


So for now

I’ll just ride with it

And go where the wind blows


Society’s Shadows

It’s not here

That’s what we tell ourselves

To avoid the fears

Surrounding our mental health


Living a better life

With more hope

To walk in strides


But it’s not all light

And smiles

Some nights are just



In a state of good function

It’s easy to forget

The mental disruption

At its best


Following the right road

But our shadows

Still loom behind us


Carrying our painful moans

That scream out

From our distant past


A ticking time bomb

That’s what they say

But I don’t want to hurt no one

I don’t want my life

To go that way


Stay away

Listen to the stigmas

Don’t mix with the grey


Don’t get to know

They’ll only make you low


They’re dangerous

They’re abusive

They’re treacherous

To be with


They’re right

In prior

As this fight

Spreads like fire


But can’t we be more than that?

Is their other aspects

One could look at?


Do I need to be afraid of this?

Do people only see my abyss?


Is the mental chaos

All that should be seen

I’d like to think there is more to me

Than what’s in-between


It’s not all the time

I promise

Its shows it self

Every now and then



The fear is strong in others

So we put ourselves through


To make it plunder



Stretching and pulling

At our brain systems

Stripping and pushing


Higher the dose

Grind through the chaos

The painful change in


Enough to bring us to our knees

And plead for salvation


The sensation isn’t great

Remember your changing the chemicals

In your brain to adjust your mental state


Changing meds

Changing therapists

Changing mental states

Changing everything


We learn to deal with internal screaming

And our bodies fighting against us

We learn to deal with life’s beating

And we learn to function at last


Functioning and stable

That’s what society wanted

So now it’s on the table


A long journey

A long fight

A lot of worry

So we stay out of sight


But when things get better

And things get lighter

When things start to get easier

And life gets a little breezier


When we learn to fit

The way society wants us

To fit


There still seems to be shadows

That haunt us

People don’t forget

Our unfortunate distress


Little reminders everywhere

That there’s something wrong with us

Little reminders everywhere

That no matter what

Our shadows will haunt us