I Can Feel Myself Going Down

One less smile

With a little less hope

One more trial

Is like walking a high tightrope

 

With slight more anxiety

And a lower mood

A little grey cloud

Which brings a darker day gloom

 

The colours

That filled my life

Have turned from summers

Into darkened decayed nights

 

With tears that fall

And stream from my soul

An illness so big it

Makes me feel so small

 

With shame of mental pain

And emotional interplay

With blame on my name

I feel myself begin to fade

 

With little courage to speak

And no confidence to ask

Things are feeling bleak

And each breathe becomes a bigger task

With breakdowns

Becoming an familiar occurrence

With people around

But the illness creates a distance

 

With anxiety and fear

Screaming through my being

No one can hear

It’s just a sensation a feeling

 

An intensity of being a burden

Of bringing others down with you

Scared of hurting them

Scared they’ll start to avoid you

 

So I cry and breakdown

With no strength to smile

Just A family disappointment

Just an unfortunate let down

 

The shame of being ill

And the talks of stop medication

The sound of it’s not real

To the you’re addicted and it’s an abomination

 

The plead of please let me in

To the memories of why you shouldn’t

The encouragement of I won’t hurt you

To the, they did and said they wouldn’t

 

To the haunted old wounds

Which shattered trust

Was ripped from

 

The memories of family feuds

Which self-disgust

Is strengthened on

 

The terror of the disconnection

Your mind will cause

The numbness for self-mutilation

Which starts to call

 

The believing of this will be forever

Because it feels so real

But the knowledge of riding it out together

Will help you heal

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Unwanted Anniversary

It’s been a year you

Piece of shit

It’s been a year

And you’re still here

 

Go on then tell me

The news

How no one wants me

Say what you chose

 

Ask me where

My family is

Oh yeah they disowned me

We’ve been over this

 

Tell me again

How I’m scum

That people pretend

I’m a loved one

 

Tell me to kill myself

Say it loud and proud

That my mental health

Covered by your black cloud

 

Narrate your way

Into my little life

Push me each day

To grab a knife

Fuck you

You’re not winning

Fuck you

I’m still living

 

I may be silenced

By your reign

But I will forever protest

Your game

 

With a painted smile

Saying I’m fine

But I know the vile

Pain inside

 

But your just years

Of blame

Years of abuse

Years of shame

 

You’re not mine

Hyde can have this back

Fuck this bloodline

My life is on a different track

 

You’re the worst present

In history

And if I could dispose of you

I would instantly

 

You can throw painful

Memories

You can throw eventful

Years of treachery

 

Go ahead let me

Relive the lot

But my tablets have the words

Written fuck off

 

The mentally ill

Should be

Avoided

 

Be careful

Be weary

Be aware

In case it’s scary

 

Those words in my head

Keep shouting

It’s like the whole world

Is still howling

 

Ignorance is a bliss

And sure

We’ll give it a miss

But some things stick

 

Enough to make you

Want to leave

And run from the blue

You make me feel unlovable

You make me feel deep down

I’m just pure trouble

 

You say people don’t care

Fine have it your way

You say people won’t ever love me

Fine just have your say

 

Probably true

Probably not

But happy unwanted anniversary

Now get lost

Run From The Sun Six: Tick Tock

The room is dark
As the night thunders outside
The lightening hits hard
As the storm isn’t to subside
I sit exhausted against my wall
Waiting Anxiously
As I hear the wolf

Good evening
A dark being
Rises in-front of me
What am I seeing
You look bad
Never mind
Because I’m glad

I choke for a breath
And whisper a hello
Now what do you want from me
So then you can go

Oh how sweet
He Slowly grabs my face
His ice cold touch
Stings upon the embrace
I sense a heartbreak
I sense a dying mental state
Looks like all areas of your life
Isn’t going great

Oh I also sense a dodgy ticker
Looks like your time will be
Shortened but your not bitter?

I welcome the Shortened end
I welcome every chest pain
That comes again and again
I speak with resistance

How cute
He pushes my face up
Harder against the wall
I try to resist
But I have no energy to brawl

Looks like the universe
Is on my side now
Looks like there’s no reverse
For you pal

He holds my anti-depressants
In his hand
And starts to crumble it
So it slips through like sand

No love for you
No family
No lover that’s true
Will want you sadly

It’s not working anymore
Is it
You try to tell the Doctor
But he just says persist
With it

Shame

I experience the pain in my chest
He snickers to himself
Tic tok and hope for the best
Because one day
You’re going to join me for
An eternal rest

He disappears into a dark shadow
And exits himself out the window

I give off a sigh of relief
With a heightened Anxiety
I feel another chest pain cut deep
Down inside of me

Tick tock Jenny I say to myself
What will come next
Only the universe will know

My Mate Stan By M. Clover

My mate Stan is my best friend
We’ve known each other for years
And we’re always together .
No matter what, I have Stan

Stan is my only true friend
We talk and we play games all the time
When I’m feeling low I know Stan will be there
He will wipe away my tears and my pain

Others do not get me and Stan
We are close friends the best of friends
They tell me that Stan is no good
And that I have to stop playing with him

That Stan is harmful and bad for me
That I need to stop playing with him

And talk to other people…
What Will Stan do with out me

Because only Stanley knife

Is always with me