My Hopes In Healing

Growing up people left

I’ll be here for you

Is what they said

 

I learnt the hard way

That those you love

Will leave with the overcast

When times get rough

 

When the terror gets real

When pain gets worse

They’re the first to leave

They’re the first to disperse

 

Left to carry the family shame

Of keeping quiet of the business

That’s causing the internal hurricane

 

An invisible hand print bruise

From someone who views you

As something to use

 

Pushed away for not being perfect

From unrealistic idealistic

Concept

 

No one’s free

Children born from dark minds

Will constantly

Be haunted from what’s left behind

 

Chained to shame

Shackles of pain

Stains of blame

From battles in hell

 

Words that sting

Become noise within

Sounds of screams

Are now broken in

 

I can change my name

But I can’t escape the bloodline

I can change my ways

But I can’t escape triggers that Hyde

 

Bringing strongly formed hopes

Into my future

That I used as a life rope

To bring my dreams closer

 

Told to trust no one

And demonstrated by the speaker

Taught to love no one

Because it will be lost to the preacher

 

To grow and heal

And care for others

But remembering at will

It’s just you once life takes you under

I don’t expect you to love me back

Or feel waves of happiness

I’ll keep myself on track

Without life’s sadness

 

Try your best

Try harder

Because one day

Your life will fill with laughter

 

We’ll step out of Depression

And into a home

With a family and stability

 

Where no one is disowned

With no mental games

And only love is shown

 

No more back packing

No more moving

No more safe here one day

But told to go away

The next

 

No more storms

Swirling at you

No more rivers

To cry into

 

Just a little more love

And a touch of happiness

I’m sure the universe can voucher that

If I work hard and make good progress

 

So this is goodbye

Have a great day

Song long past

So long grey

 

They said you were beside yourself

But you rejected me

And ruined my mental health

 

Sabotaged my life

And sent me insane

You might have well used a knife

If that was your game

 

But casting me away was your best

Decision yet

Because no relationship is better

Then an unhealthy one yes?

 

So I’ll let people push me away

I’ll let those who want to walk out

Of my life leave

 

If they reject me it’s that distance I’ll stay

If they scream and shout

Another step away is where I’ll be

 

Because holding on

And repeating mistakes

Is like not letting go of a thorn

That should be tossed to the lake

 

It will be okay

Just keep focused

And walk and prey

 

You broke my heart

Over and over again

Before any women could

 

And hopefully one day

I can make a fresh start

And open up

 

Without fear

Of being emotionally attacked

With a loved one near

With only love and friendly contact

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Silenced By Shame

I wake up each day

And ignore the grey

Forever scared

It will send the fog

My way

 

What you see

And what I see

Are totally different

 

Because what’s in me

And what I try to be

Doesn’t seem coherent

 

I want to say what’s going on

But I don’t want to ruin

Us getting along

 

It’s like my brains

Screams one thing

And my body screams

Another

 

It’s like one shouts insane

And the other shouts

Take cover

 

The wolfs excited

Here comes the

The one year anniversary

But I try to hide it

And it’s haunting adversary

 

Don’t let anyone in

That’s what I learnt

As throughout existing

I just end up getting hurt

 

This illness isn’t mine

It was drilled into me

Throughout time

 

So why am I carrying it?

Why do I have to fight it?

I didn’t ask

To be lumbered with it

 

Still picking up the pieces

From someone else’s

Mental rage

 

Hopefully now they’ll leave me

Hopefully now they’re satisfied

Till the end of days

With their peace of mind

 

 

It seemed to last forever

And the extent

They would go

To ruin me

 

Well…

It showed me

A side of life scarier than

Ever

 

No heroes

No saviours

You’re on your own

Kid I’ll see you later

 

A reoccurring theme

That runs through my destiny

 

Sending me a Depression

That brought me to my knees

 

While a being kicked

Me down harder

With a passion for giving

Trauma

 

Silenced

By emotional

Violence

 

No I’m resistant

To let people know

If I need assistance

 

I don’t want to be the person

That the label brings

If I worsen

I’ll just keep it

Tucked within

 

Because the voice of shame

Shouts louder then

The emotional pain

 

Talk to me when

You’re not okay

But negativity

Pushes people away

 

So I’m scared to say

If I’m struggling in

The grey

 

Society warns people

That the mentally different are dangerous

That we should treat these people

As strangers and not our neighbours

 

Out casted by our own race

Might as well shoot us

Down in that case

 

So I will

Deal with this myself

People want to help

They care for my health

 

But the voice of shame

Continues its silencing

Rein

Hallelujah

I thought that our friendship

Was safe and strong

And I thought I was there for you

Through the storm

And if I had known

I would have come sooner

But that night was long

And full of despair

As you took your life

You fell from the chair

With the broken song of Hallelujah

 

And I sat with you by your side

As an hour before you said you were fine

But I should have read into you deeper

But I should have seen the pain in your eyes

Over the face of your… I’m okay lies

And we sing the broken song of Hallelujah

 

But we are not taught how to deal with this

A lesson that society seems to miss

And the cost of that meant you went to heaven sooner

And if I knew what I knew now that I didn’t back then

I would’ve kicked your door down and thwarted your end

But Now I sing the broken song of Hallelujah

 

And I wish you told me what was going on

And let me in because you’d be gone

I would have tried harder to get through to you

Because you needed to know how much cared

And I’m sorry that we were all unprepared

So now we sing the broken song of Hallelujah

 

So now I study psychology

Learning the different ways of psychotherapy

To save others the way I couldn’t save you

Because it breaks my heart that you’re at Heaven’s gate

Because you thought that was your only escape

And still I sing the broken song of Hallelujah

 

Now years gone by after that painful night

I make sure to ask others if they’re alright

And be the better friend I should’ve been to you

And I hope things are better for you up there

And I pray that God give you love to spare

So I can praise him with the words of Hallelujah

 

Our Howls

As we howl

They prowl us down

 

We’re in this state

Where we anticipate

And contemplate

Whether it’s too late

To take that final step

In fate

 

We look towards

What the wolf bit away

As love corrodes

With our bitter decay

And our scars get larger

And the pain gets harder

And our howls get louder

We feel ourselves

Start to fade

 

Deeper in our black hollow selves

Dressed in shells of colours

And life’s

Rainbows

We try to reach out to love

That slips through our hands

Upon touch

 

So we howl

And howl louder

In hope for a God

With power

Can aid us lot

In this dark hour

 

But those who care

Try to reach out to us

While we’re all scared

In case we dare

To walk up heavens stairs

 

So we howl

With the black dog

And we howl

While it covers

Us in its intensive fog

And we howl

And we howl

And we howl

Again

Desperate to get back

What we lost to our

Darkened wolf friend

 

But we breathe with those

Desperate to help us

And we grieve those

Which Depression turned to dust

 

Trying to connect

With those who haven’t given up on us

Trying to rid the blackness

Without hurting others

In the process

 

So we howl

And we howl

And we all howl

As the howl burdens us

Drifting away

From life’s compass

Onlooker To Your Illness

Life each day

Gets a little heavier

Looking for a way

That shows it won’t last forever

 

If you’ve felt it

Felt the grey

You know the horror

Of not being okay

 

Depression has no mercy

And mental illness likes its rein

Society thinks the cure is shame

So we take the blame

And let the stigmas stain

 

Since silence is safety

But the silence traps us daily

There’s no escape

When the trauma attacks you

But still we fight

And stretch through

 

Run guys

Run Friends

Run families

Run to the bitter end

Because we need to escape

From this desperate state

But simple on lookers

Don’t see

The hurricane war

That brews inside me

 

To keep others at ease

You start saying your needs

Are pleased

But the next day they find you in hospital

Wondering how this can even be possible

 

But these days

 

They will say

 

That they didn’t speak

To not push people away

But over the course

They’re slowly surrendering to the grey

So come back to us

Those who care but don’t know

Those who were there know the road

 

Each day you see their pain

With a gentle sigh

Because you know

Saying outload will cause despise

So we sit here and pray

Hoping one day they’ll be given back

From the hosting grey

 

Each day a little more of them disappears

Each day you wish for the mental clear

Bring them back

Give us back our friends

Watching them strain from the pain

That sends them insane

And all we can do is look

And hope for a change

 

We reach out

We help

We ask them if they’re about

To watch their mental health

Try to visit and ring

In desperate hope they’re still existing

 

But they can’t feel

What they believe is real

That no one cares

No matter how much we’re there

 

They’re our world

Our smiles

And we work hard

To make it worth while

 

Wishfully thinking

Please don’t deteriorate

Please don’t die

Please don’t let the desolate

Take you to the sky

 

So please come back to us

Watching you suffer

And turn to dust

I would destroy mental illness if I could

And give us back you

Back to the way it should

Out of the clutches of the grey hue

 

So Run Friends

Run family

Run everyone to the bitter end

As long as we run with you

I’ll hold your hand until you ascend

 

Keep you close

Worrying persistently

You’re not about to jump off a cliff

At a seaside coast

 

Still there even when you’re at your most difficult

Because I’d rather you here

Then dead because you gave up and did the unthinkable

 

I don’t care what you do

As long I can see you

One day smile

Because you pulled through

Anthem Of Blue

Citaloprams Hush

Citaloprams quiet

Dismissing us

Through Depressions riot

 

Getting up everyday

To breathe Hells fire

Keep on trudging

Don’t stop Rushing

 

The motivation

Of our salvation

In honour of society’s exploitation

 

Keep it sane

Keep it simple

Or life will take you

And keep you little

 

Move to the rhythm

As we all fight the system

The ones that died

We will miss them

Remember them

 

Remember that they tried

To fight the illness

Confided in their mind

Looking for a sign

Looking for a hero

 

Waiting for a doctor

To shoot us with a steel based arrow

Through the invisible war

That people see as an eye sore

 

So lock us all away

To make it all okay

Because deep down we’re all scared

Deep down no one’s prepared

 

To reach for the summer that others seem to love

But the warmth for us just never seems enough

To exit our winter and its dark decay

Told in everyway

To take each day slowly

Told to hope and pray

 

So we brave a straight face

And continue working

As good as the others

Who are not hurting?

 

We shout the words

That people are too scared to say

Because honesty is the best policy

So they phrase

 

Looking at the others

Wondering if they suffer

The same way we do

Wondering if they’re trapped

In life’s painful hue

 

Watching Gods saviours

Also turn to the blue

They say the old fairy tale lie

That we’re all meant to be loved

That we’ll find someone to help us brave

The rough

 

But come on now that’s wrong

Depression took the happy insight

Now it’s all gone

So come pray with me

Come hope that one day we will see

The light at the end of the tunnel

That will heal our destiny

If My Illnesses Could talk This Is What They Would Sound Like

Me: Okay I’m entering crisis

Depression: I want to kill myself

Me: we can’t do that we need to get better

Hypermobility Syndrome: I’m in so much pain can I please have some paracetamol

Depression: yes all of it!!!

Me: NO

Anxiety: I’m really scared I Really scared

Me: it’s okay I’m going to reach out

Depression: Don’t do that everyone hates you, no one wants to deal and be friends with that, you’re a pathetic piece of shit

Me: Okay I’ve reached out to 11 people and counting they can’t come help me

Depression: told you!!!

Irritable Bowell Syndrome: I’m going to go

Me: NO NO NO!!!

IBS: too late

Me: for fuck sake!!!

Depression: I’m in agony and I’m suffering!!!

HMS: Me too!!!

Me: let me just clean myself up first

Depression: No we’re staying in bed

Dissociation: Isn’t it great I can detach you from these guys to cope with them, I’m such a neat defence mechanism

Anxiety: Let’s just cry and cry and cry

Me: Come on guys!!! Work with me!!!

Illnesses: NO!!!

Me: Someone please come and fucking help me!!!

Illnesses: We’re ramping it up

Me: Okay I’m starting to shake really badly now, I’m going to eat something

Depression: I’m not hungry

HMS: I won’t digest it

IBS: No don’t if you do I will just get rid of it

Anxiety: I just want to be cuddled and told that I’m loved and it will be okay

Depression: That won’t happen

Me: I know I want support so bad

Depression: Starting the shutdown process

Me: No Please I beg you, please don’t!!!

Depression: done

Me: I can’t stop crying guys please stop

Illnesses: NO

Me: Let me go get help, let me find something, I beg you God, Mother Nature, the Universe, please release me from this

Depression: No one is coming

Me: I can’t do this anymore

*Ambulance sirens*