Home Is Where The Heart Is

If I had a home

I would make it permanent

Never alone

And I’d be allowed in it

 

No more packing up

And leaving

No more running away as such

No more grieving

 

No more you’re not

Wanted here

No more feeling lost

In fear

 

No more getting too comfortable

In a space, I don’t belong

No more trouble

No more be gone

 

No more of my mind

Interpreting things wrong

Because I can go inside

And remain strong

 

Without a worry

I can stay

Because I miss thee

And being there is okay

 

No more almost a home

No more pain

And forced to roam

 

No more alone

No more insane

And forced to go

 

I don’t belong anywhere

The moment I start to settle

And told to not be there

 

A message from

The universe

The story of my life

 

A lifelong

Curse

To keep on walking the night

 

Don’t share

Or you’ll cause

Despair

 

Where is my home

Mother Nature

Where do I go?

 

Mother earth

Where do I stay

What am I worth?

 

I pray to you

As one druid should

I’m at peace too

With your beings made of wood

 

But I’m becoming distant

I am feeling rejected

Although resistant

I feel defeated

 

I wear your creations

Around me

But am I a manifestation

To thee?

 

To the lord in the sky

Are you still watching over me?

Do you hear the prayers of mine?

Are you still listening to me?

 

Is there a place for me?

Out there?

Will I be seen?

Somewhere?

 

For each mountain

Has its ground

And each fountain

Has its sound

 

For each tree

Has it’s soil

Where it’s roots

Settle and coil

 

For each herd

Has its grassland

And each bird

Has its marshland

 

Each being

Has its place

So where do I belong

Where’s my place

 

They say

Home is where

The heart is

But mine got broken

Along the way

 

But in my grey

Home is where you’re

Discarded

And told

To go away

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See Me

Welcome to this wild world

Where the pressure is high

And the ones that struggle go low

With little health to thrive

 

Just pick an illness

And we’ve all got a trait

Just a fast pace life waiting to kill us

If we’re late

 

Take my mind

And breathe it for a day

You’ll soon realise

Things are harder my way

 

Keep it silent

Keep it tucked under

Stay compliant

We’re prey not hunters

 

I just want to explode

But I don’t know how

I feel I’m about to implode

But I feel I’m not allowed

 

How do I speak?

Without bringing others down

How to I sleep

With all my internal sound

 

You look fine

You seem okay

Because over time

I learnt to behave that way

 

But I need to speak

I need to cry

Just a little comfort

And then I’ll be fine

 

I don’t want to

Take up energy

But I feel the blue

About to take over me

 

But I don’t know how

To tell anyone

I’m forever scared and trapped

In a thunder storm

 

I can’t tell them how

I’m feeling it will

Drive them away

 

I can’t let this out

But I can’t seal it

Completely away

 

How do I get those?

Who want to inflict pain

To leave me be

 

I am far not close

I’m not in there way

They don’t have to see me

 

I pray to God

I pray to mother earth

Why are there cowards

Why am I the curse?

 

Why shift the battle onto me

Why shift the battle and join in

Why when you don’t see me

Must I be the one to bring sin?

 

I feel the need to be strong

Brave and impenetrable

Because I seem to be the only one

That can see what’s going on

 

It has been this way for years

Nothing is going to change

Nothing is more crystal clear

Then this persistent cycle of pain

 

So drop the happy family image

That one day we will all love each other

Let go of the concept love has no limit

I no longer wish to suffer

 

I’m feeling the intensity now

So bring on the break down

People have enough on their plate

Without hearing me make a sound

 

Please love me

Please look after me

Please keep me

Please see me

 

I’m silent

But suffering

I’m quite

But struggling

 

It’s beginning to build up

I can’t speak

And no one will ask

 

Scared to speak as such

In case you feel overwhelmed

In case you close down and shut

 

It will end it will pass

Painful times

Will not last

 

So I’ll keep trying

I’ve got my back

I’ll keep fighting to stay on track

Hands Full Of Silver

With my heart full of gold

And my hands full of silver

Is how I’m walking this world

Learning to be a wounded healer

 

Counselling has taught me

A new way of life

Which helped me to see

A new kind of light

 

Left on my own

To drag my feet

Across darkened roads

And Depression’s defeat

 

One minute wanted

And then the next dropped

Till this day haunted

And worried I’ll become lost

 

But I got a beating heart

Which ticks each day

Turning pain into laughter

And rolling the days away

 

Rocking my bracelets up my arm

And meditating into calm

I could do a lot more work

But that can wait another day I heard

 

My life was dark and going down

But a girl walked in and pushed away the hound

She shares my smiles

And for me walks the extra mile

 

She replaced my cigarettes

With her gentle hand

And replaced my alcohol

With a love that’s undammed

 

And for the first time

Saw that my Mother is missing out

Since I can’t show her this girl that’s mine

A girl who is amazing inside out

 

But I have those charms you gave to me

And she now has the other half

It’s a shame you’ll never be able to see

So I’ll just see those charms as your blessing for us

 

Because there were days

Where your illness would win

And others where you were okay

 

But I kept those charms

In the moment you had love for me

Our lives were hard

But those charms help me believe

That you even you could be happy for me

 

So on my wrist I wear mine

And on her wrist she wears hers

Just to help remind

That deep down you’re not just a complete abuser

 

 

She met my Dads

And she met my sisters

And they were all glad

That I’m happy with her

 

Even my Grandma agreed

That’s she’s so good for me

And all that my friends say

Is that she’s just so lovely

 

She holds my hand through

The rough

And keeps my eczema at bay

 

So I say I’ve got you

And hope it’s enough

To keep you another day

I Hope It’s Enough

 

I don’t want hurt anyone
I don’t want to leave a mark
I don’t want to leave with the sun
I don’t want to break a heart
I don’t want to leave an impression
That I don’t want to stay
I don’t want to ruin expectation
That I don’t turn things grey
I don’t want my past to follow me
Even though it’s alive in my mind
I don’t want my scars to haunt me
Even though they give off a bad sign
I don’t want to Ignite a fire
I don’t want to spark fright
I don’t want to turn things dire
I don’t want to spark a fight
I don’t want to give off this energy
It’s just been drilled into me
I don’t want to people to be weary
It’s just been sealed into me
I look rough
Because lifes rough
I’m not tough
Because livings tough
I’m this way because those I loved
Walked out on me
I’m this way because those I loved
Disowned and discarded me
So it’s in me
And I don’t blame you
For seeing it
But Gently
I’m going to try
And get rid of it
I don’t mean to be
The person society
Warns you about
And I can see
The fear towards me
That feels souls with doubt
A tainted handprint
Given to me
As a child
A bruised avoid her scar
That can be read
For miles
Trying to be something more
But with one touch
People get hurt
Trying to not be the cause
But my love
Makes people worse
I was closed off
For years
Staying lost
Didn’t cause others tears
I don’t reach out
Because I don’t want to be the
Upset
I just feel doubt
Because I don’t want to seem
Messed up
To be the person
Society warns you of
Is enough to quiet your song
A hidden pain leaving one lost
I’m no prince charming
I’m a mess from the streets
I’m not a mentally well being
I’m a battered and scarred sheep
It’s hard to open up
Because vulnrebility was attacked
It’s been so corrupt
Watching loved ones turn their back
But my grandma
once told me
That I have a heart
The size of mercury
It cares about others
It loves like no other
It hates seeing beings suffer
And it would do the best for another
I just hope this small aspect
Is enough
To allow you and the rest
To love
It isn’t much
But it’s all for you
It’s not gold dust
But its honest and true
I just hope its strong
Enough
To see us through

My Hopes In Healing

Growing up people left

I’ll be here for you

Is what they said

 

I learnt the hard way

That those you love

Will leave with the overcast

When times get rough

 

When the terror gets real

When pain gets worse

They’re the first to leave

They’re the first to disperse

 

Left to carry the family shame

Of keeping quiet of the business

That’s causing the internal hurricane

 

An invisible hand print bruise

From someone who views you

As something to use

 

Pushed away for not being perfect

From unrealistic idealistic

Concept

 

No one’s free

Children born from dark minds

Will constantly

Be haunted from what’s left behind

 

Chained to shame

Shackles of pain

Stains of blame

From battles in hell

 

Words that sting

Become noise within

Sounds of screams

Are now broken in

 

I can change my name

But I can’t escape the bloodline

I can change my ways

But I can’t escape triggers that Hyde

 

Bringing strongly formed hopes

Into my future

That I used as a life rope

To bring my dreams closer

 

Told to trust no one

And demonstrated by the speaker

Taught to love no one

Because it will be lost to the preacher

 

To grow and heal

And care for others

But remembering at will

It’s just you once life takes you under

I don’t expect you to love me back

Or feel waves of happiness

I’ll keep myself on track

Without life’s sadness

 

Try your best

Try harder

Because one day

Your life will fill with laughter

 

We’ll step out of Depression

And into a home

With a family and stability

 

Where no one is disowned

With no mental games

And only love is shown

 

No more back packing

No more moving

No more safe here one day

But told to go away

The next

 

No more storms

Swirling at you

No more rivers

To cry into

 

Just a little more love

And a touch of happiness

I’m sure the universe can voucher that

If I work hard and make good progress

 

So this is goodbye

Have a great day

Song long past

So long grey

 

They said you were beside yourself

But you rejected me

And ruined my mental health

 

Sabotaged my life

And sent me insane

You might have well used a knife

If that was your game

 

But casting me away was your best

Decision yet

Because no relationship is better

Then an unhealthy one yes?

 

So I’ll let people push me away

I’ll let those who want to walk out

Of my life leave

 

If they reject me it’s that distance I’ll stay

If they scream and shout

Another step away is where I’ll be

 

Because holding on

And repeating mistakes

Is like not letting go of a thorn

That should be tossed to the lake

 

It will be okay

Just keep focused

And walk and prey

 

You broke my heart

Over and over again

Before any women could

 

And hopefully one day

I can make a fresh start

And open up

 

Without fear

Of being emotionally attacked

With a loved one near

With only love and friendly contact

This Distance

 

The ghost of me

Doesn’t seem to go

My life that’s been

Seems so long ago

 

But my heart

Still thunders

And it starts so soft

But then gets harder

 

And the pounding

Gets louder

The noise is outstanding

With no surrender

 

The pain screams

Down my veins

And the scene

In my head screams shame

Shame

Shame

 

It starts off quiets

But then slams back down

Again

Again

And

Again

 

The storm

Starts swirling

And my breathing

Starts hurting

 

And the terror

Ascends

I scream get better

But the fear doesn’t end

 

Take one tablet

Then take another

But nothing seems to happen

It’s just one constant disaster

 

Make it stop

Make it run

Relieve the lot

I’m exhausted and done

 

It’s like screaming through

Rain

Where no one can hear you

 

It’s like crying in

Vain

From a voiceless view

 

You throw a stone

Into the pond

But ignore the fact

That the ripples travel on

 

It affects me

It affect you

So why can’t you just see?

That you’re hurting me too

 

You chose to fade away

You chose to cast me out

You chose to use me for play

You chose to lash out

 

So now accept the distance

That is now displayed

So now accept my resistance

To play in your games

 

Your twisted truth

Is not allowed in my life

You have no proof

That I’m telling lies

 

Your hands tainted

With dark tar

Is invasive

Even from afar

 

Colour me in grey

That’s okay

Let those believe

The manipulative words you say

But not on your terms

Not on anyone’s

Will I let you return

With your psychotic shot gun

 

I can’t return to

Your blinded abuse

Which pushes me away

Leaving you confused

 

You’ve taken so much

Just have it all

As under your painful clutch

Is where I will fall

 

You can have it all your way

Let them believe everything you say

 

But I’ve told you once before

Stay away from me

Because you chose to close that door

 

And I have no intention

In trying anymore

I’ve learnt my lesson

Have you learnt yours?

 

That ruining others

Doesn’t fill holes or soothe sores

Did you fucking stutter?

When you said “you’re not welcome here

Anymore”

 

No you didn’t

So keep to that statement

And say good reddens

To my displacement

I Can Feel Myself Going Down

One less smile

With a little less hope

One more trial

Is like walking a high tightrope

 

With slight more anxiety

And a lower mood

A little grey cloud

Which brings a darker day gloom

 

The colours

That filled my life

Have turned from summers

Into darkened decayed nights

 

With tears that fall

And stream from my soul

An illness so big it

Makes me feel so small

 

With shame of mental pain

And emotional interplay

With blame on my name

I feel myself begin to fade

 

With little courage to speak

And no confidence to ask

Things are feeling bleak

And each breathe becomes a bigger task

With breakdowns

Becoming an familiar occurrence

With people around

But the illness creates a distance

 

With anxiety and fear

Screaming through my being

No one can hear

It’s just a sensation a feeling

 

An intensity of being a burden

Of bringing others down with you

Scared of hurting them

Scared they’ll start to avoid you

 

So I cry and breakdown

With no strength to smile

Just A family disappointment

Just an unfortunate let down

 

The shame of being ill

And the talks of stop medication

The sound of it’s not real

To the you’re addicted and it’s an abomination

 

The plead of please let me in

To the memories of why you shouldn’t

The encouragement of I won’t hurt you

To the, they did and said they wouldn’t

 

To the haunted old wounds

Which shattered trust

Was ripped from

 

The memories of family feuds

Which self-disgust

Is strengthened on

 

The terror of the disconnection

Your mind will cause

The numbness for self-mutilation

Which starts to call

 

The believing of this will be forever

Because it feels so real

But the knowledge of riding it out together

Will help you heal