I Hope It’s Enough

 

I don’t want hurt anyone
I don’t want to leave a mark
I don’t want to leave with the sun
I don’t want to break a heart
I don’t want to leave an impression
That I don’t want to stay
I don’t want to ruin expectation
That I don’t turn things grey
I don’t want my past to follow me
Even though it’s alive in my mind
I don’t want my scars to haunt me
Even though they give off a bad sign
I don’t want to Ignite a fire
I don’t want to spark fright
I don’t want to turn things dire
I don’t want to spark a fight
I don’t want to give off this energy
It’s just been drilled into me
I don’t want to people to be weary
It’s just been sealed into me
I look rough
Because lifes rough
I’m not tough
Because livings tough
I’m this way because those I loved
Walked out on me
I’m this way because those I loved
Disowned and discarded me
So it’s in me
And I don’t blame you
For seeing it
But Gently
I’m going to try
And get rid of it
I don’t mean to be
The person society
Warns you about
And I can see
The fear towards me
That feels souls with doubt
A tainted handprint
Given to me
As a child
A bruised avoid her scar
That can be read
For miles
Trying to be something more
But with one touch
People get hurt
Trying to not be the cause
But my love
Makes people worse
I was closed off
For years
Staying lost
Didn’t cause others tears
I don’t reach out
Because I don’t want to be the
Upset
I just feel doubt
Because I don’t want to seem
Messed up
To be the person
Society warns you of
Is enough to quiet your song
A hidden pain leaving one lost
I’m no prince charming
I’m a mess from the streets
I’m not a mentally well being
I’m a battered and scarred sheep
It’s hard to open up
Because vulnrebility was attacked
It’s been so corrupt
Watching loved ones turn their back
But my grandma
once told me
That I have a heart
The size of mercury
It cares about others
It loves like no other
It hates seeing beings suffer
And it would do the best for another
I just hope this small aspect
Is enough
To allow you and the rest
To love
It isn’t much
But it’s all for you
It’s not gold dust
But its honest and true
I just hope its strong
Enough
To see us through

My Hopes In Healing

Growing up people left

I’ll be here for you

Is what they said

 

I learnt the hard way

That those you love

Will leave with the overcast

When times get rough

 

When the terror gets real

When pain gets worse

They’re the first to leave

They’re the first to disperse

 

Left to carry the family shame

Of keeping quiet of the business

That’s causing the internal hurricane

 

An invisible hand print bruise

From someone who views you

As something to use

 

Pushed away for not being perfect

From unrealistic idealistic

Concept

 

No one’s free

Children born from dark minds

Will constantly

Be haunted from what’s left behind

 

Chained to shame

Shackles of pain

Stains of blame

From battles in hell

 

Words that sting

Become noise within

Sounds of screams

Are now broken in

 

I can change my name

But I can’t escape the bloodline

I can change my ways

But I can’t escape triggers that Hyde

 

Bringing strongly formed hopes

Into my future

That I used as a life rope

To bring my dreams closer

 

Told to trust no one

And demonstrated by the speaker

Taught to love no one

Because it will be lost to the preacher

 

To grow and heal

And care for others

But remembering at will

It’s just you once life takes you under

I don’t expect you to love me back

Or feel waves of happiness

I’ll keep myself on track

Without life’s sadness

 

Try your best

Try harder

Because one day

Your life will fill with laughter

 

We’ll step out of Depression

And into a home

With a family and stability

 

Where no one is disowned

With no mental games

And only love is shown

 

No more back packing

No more moving

No more safe here one day

But told to go away

The next

 

No more storms

Swirling at you

No more rivers

To cry into

 

Just a little more love

And a touch of happiness

I’m sure the universe can voucher that

If I work hard and make good progress

 

So this is goodbye

Have a great day

Song long past

So long grey

 

They said you were beside yourself

But you rejected me

And ruined my mental health

 

Sabotaged my life

And sent me insane

You might have well used a knife

If that was your game

 

But casting me away was your best

Decision yet

Because no relationship is better

Then an unhealthy one yes?

 

So I’ll let people push me away

I’ll let those who want to walk out

Of my life leave

 

If they reject me it’s that distance I’ll stay

If they scream and shout

Another step away is where I’ll be

 

Because holding on

And repeating mistakes

Is like not letting go of a thorn

That should be tossed to the lake

 

It will be okay

Just keep focused

And walk and prey

 

You broke my heart

Over and over again

Before any women could

 

And hopefully one day

I can make a fresh start

And open up

 

Without fear

Of being emotionally attacked

With a loved one near

With only love and friendly contact

This Distance

 

The ghost of me

Doesn’t seem to go

My life that’s been

Seems so long ago

 

But my heart

Still thunders

And it starts so soft

But then gets harder

 

And the pounding

Gets louder

The noise is outstanding

With no surrender

 

The pain screams

Down my veins

And the scene

In my head screams shame

Shame

Shame

 

It starts off quiets

But then slams back down

Again

Again

And

Again

 

The storm

Starts swirling

And my breathing

Starts hurting

 

And the terror

Ascends

I scream get better

But the fear doesn’t end

 

Take one tablet

Then take another

But nothing seems to happen

It’s just one constant disaster

 

Make it stop

Make it run

Relieve the lot

I’m exhausted and done

 

It’s like screaming through

Rain

Where no one can hear you

 

It’s like crying in

Vain

From a voiceless view

 

You throw a stone

Into the pond

But ignore the fact

That the ripples travel on

 

It affects me

It affect you

So why can’t you just see?

That you’re hurting me too

 

You chose to fade away

You chose to cast me out

You chose to use me for play

You chose to lash out

 

So now accept the distance

That is now displayed

So now accept my resistance

To play in your games

 

Your twisted truth

Is not allowed in my life

You have no proof

That I’m telling lies

 

Your hands tainted

With dark tar

Is invasive

Even from afar

 

Colour me in grey

That’s okay

Let those believe

The manipulative words you say

But not on your terms

Not on anyone’s

Will I let you return

With your psychotic shot gun

 

I can’t return to

Your blinded abuse

Which pushes me away

Leaving you confused

 

You’ve taken so much

Just have it all

As under your painful clutch

Is where I will fall

 

You can have it all your way

Let them believe everything you say

 

But I’ve told you once before

Stay away from me

Because you chose to close that door

 

And I have no intention

In trying anymore

I’ve learnt my lesson

Have you learnt yours?

 

That ruining others

Doesn’t fill holes or soothe sores

Did you fucking stutter?

When you said “you’re not welcome here

Anymore”

 

No you didn’t

So keep to that statement

And say good reddens

To my displacement

I Can Feel Myself Going Down

One less smile

With a little less hope

One more trial

Is like walking a high tightrope

 

With slight more anxiety

And a lower mood

A little grey cloud

Which brings a darker day gloom

 

The colours

That filled my life

Have turned from summers

Into darkened decayed nights

 

With tears that fall

And stream from my soul

An illness so big it

Makes me feel so small

 

With shame of mental pain

And emotional interplay

With blame on my name

I feel myself begin to fade

 

With little courage to speak

And no confidence to ask

Things are feeling bleak

And each breathe becomes a bigger task

With breakdowns

Becoming an familiar occurrence

With people around

But the illness creates a distance

 

With anxiety and fear

Screaming through my being

No one can hear

It’s just a sensation a feeling

 

An intensity of being a burden

Of bringing others down with you

Scared of hurting them

Scared they’ll start to avoid you

 

So I cry and breakdown

With no strength to smile

Just A family disappointment

Just an unfortunate let down

 

The shame of being ill

And the talks of stop medication

The sound of it’s not real

To the you’re addicted and it’s an abomination

 

The plead of please let me in

To the memories of why you shouldn’t

The encouragement of I won’t hurt you

To the, they did and said they wouldn’t

 

To the haunted old wounds

Which shattered trust

Was ripped from

 

The memories of family feuds

Which self-disgust

Is strengthened on

 

The terror of the disconnection

Your mind will cause

The numbness for self-mutilation

Which starts to call

 

The believing of this will be forever

Because it feels so real

But the knowledge of riding it out together

Will help you heal

I Will Stay At Your Distance

I can’t chose what

You put me through

But I can chose

If I stay close to you

 

I can’t change the pain

I can’t change the resentment

I can’t change the deep rooted blame

I can’t change the discontentment

 

I can’t be the person you want

Because you’re convinced I’m someone else

I can’t be the person that’s lost

Because it’s always the same old protest

 

It’s the same old pattern

It’s the same old game

Where a family gets shattered

But the wrong person gets the blame

 

An abusive cycle

Where people get hurt

Just a downward spiral

With dangerous outbursts

 

It’s the survival of the cruellest

It’s the survival of the heartless

It’s the survival of the merciless

It’s the survival of the darkest

No loving atmosphere

No happily ever after

Just daunting fear

With sadness and departure

 

Where the closest

Aren’t to be trusted

And the most loved

Attack the hardest

 

You’ll be discarded

You’ll be pushed away

But only on their terms

Will you be allowed back

After their rancour rage

 

But there comes a times

Where you stay at the distance

Don’t let them back in

Because there is no gentle Coexistence

 

Don’t reach for the open hand

From the people that will outcast you

To show weakness will make you damned

With insidious sides that will turn on you

 

So I will let you

Push me away

But it is there

I will stay

 

Each time you force me back

Each time you reject and kick me down

Each time you kick me of track

Each time you outcast and throw me around

 

I will stay at that distance

I will let you push me further

There will be no insistence

To bond back closer

 

Those days are gone

And the painful life has left

I’m still moving on

With a past that haunts me during rest

 

You will always be loved

But your vile hand print

Has stained my heart enough

The Hidden Sides Of A Shadowed Coin

You know who am

Pity no one else does

I take my vindictive hand

And shroud them in darkness

 

Don’t think they’ll understand

I’ve gained their trust

I’ve manipulated them

So it’s now you vs us

 

I’m many sides of the same coin

Polar opposites but somehow conjoined

And people only see

The side I want them to see

 

One side is to deceive

The other to make them believe

One sides a decoy, this Hydes

The other side that destroys

 

Abusive what are you talking about?

Manipulative oh come on now

No one will believe you

As I’ll project that character

Onto you

 

Make people believe

You’re the plague

Causing the outrage

And assure that

They take that

Lie straight to your grave

 

Because it’s never me

Sweet little old me

I could never bring one to their knees

While unleashing years of misery

 

So call me the puppet master

A ventriloquist martyr

Give me all!!! Control

 

Or I’ll become your worst nightmare

Here on forever after

Under my!!! Tight hold

 

Whisper poison into

Your loved ones ears

I’ll make them hate you

For long painful years

 

Plead all you like

You’re voiceless here

I’m playing the victim

So time to outcast you dear

 

You’re powerless to stop me

Once I send you astray

As once you’re gone

I’ll keep it my way

 

Convince them I’m right

As all they can hear is my side

As since you’re out of sight

You can’t state otherwise

 

But shhhhh

Don’t try to speak up

Because I will unleash

The corrupt

 

This is my game

This is my world

And you are my slaves

You are here on my terms

 

If I don’t get what I want

I will ruin you

I don’t care about your feelings

Or you emotional wellbeing

 

I don’t care that I damage

People with my hostile dealings

I will go on a rampage

And I won’t stop screaming

 

I am the victim

I am in control

I want the power

And I will even sell your soul

 

And if you upset me

I will punish you

I will ruin and sabotage thee

And make them rue

 

I will do things

That will leave people

In disbelief

When you confess everything

 

But most of all

When you think

It can’t get worse

 

I will turn it around

And convince other’s that

It’s you that’s the curse

 

I keep your beloved people

Who you treasure as my possessions

And you will be rejected

With a beaten in Depression

Unwanted Anniversary

It’s been a year you

Piece of shit

It’s been a year

And you’re still here

 

Go on then tell me

The news

How no one wants me

Say what you chose

 

Ask me where

My family is

Oh yeah they disowned me

We’ve been over this

 

Tell me again

How I’m scum

That people pretend

I’m a loved one

 

Tell me to kill myself

Say it loud and proud

That my mental health

Covered by your black cloud

 

Narrate your way

Into my little life

Push me each day

To grab a knife

Fuck you

You’re not winning

Fuck you

I’m still living

 

I may be silenced

By your reign

But I will forever protest

Your game

 

With a painted smile

Saying I’m fine

But I know the vile

Pain inside

 

But your just years

Of blame

Years of abuse

Years of shame

 

You’re not mine

Hyde can have this back

Fuck this bloodline

My life is on a different track

 

You’re the worst present

In history

And if I could dispose of you

I would instantly

 

You can throw painful

Memories

You can throw eventful

Years of treachery

 

Go ahead let me

Relive the lot

But my tablets have the words

Written fuck off

 

The mentally ill

Should be

Avoided

 

Be careful

Be weary

Be aware

In case it’s scary

 

Those words in my head

Keep shouting

It’s like the whole world

Is still howling

 

Ignorance is a bliss

And sure

We’ll give it a miss

But some things stick

 

Enough to make you

Want to leave

And run from the blue

You make me feel unlovable

You make me feel deep down

I’m just pure trouble

 

You say people don’t care

Fine have it your way

You say people won’t ever love me

Fine just have your say

 

Probably true

Probably not

But happy unwanted anniversary

Now get lost