You Don’t Realise

You don’t realise

How bright life is

Until the cold night

Causes it to wither

 

You don’t realise

How good a smile feels

Until the howling cry

Comes echoing from the hills

 

You don’t realise

How good it feels now

Until the sighs

Weigh you to the ground

 

You don’t realise

The cost of happiness

Until it’s sacrificed

Into Depressions darkness

 

You don’t realise

The meaning of compromise

Until you make a Doctors deal

For a clinical pill

 

 

You don’t realise

The price of shame

Until Depression tightens

Its restricting chains

 

Nothing teaches you a lesson

Quite like Depression

Nothing forces oppression

Quite like regression

 

Nothing forces you

To let go of that

That wants to ruin you

 

No message

Is louder than a storm

That thunders

Towards you

 

From a mess

That’s formed

And plunders

Unfairly onto you

 

No one understands

The hollowing

That takes place

Behind your face

 

No one understands

The wallowing

In a small space

Begging for a God’s grace

 

Forgiveness for the

Forgotten

That’s listed

At rock bottom

 

The anger and anguishes

That builds over time

From pain and injustice

That rattles like a broken chime

 

To have your soul within

Taken

By an illness that started in

My cradle

 

To be suffering

Unbearably

While jittering

Mentally

 

The pleasure in

Causing pain

Further drove me

Insane

 

No humanity

No empathy

Behind those eyes

 

Just lies

Insanity

And a sick kick

From your cries

 

Why watch horror

Shows and documentaries

When I can just venture

Into my memories

 

Why speak

When people

Tell you how you feel

 

Why see

When people

Turn blind at will

 

Why realise

How good it

Was to be human

 

When life

Slips in

And throws Depression

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Drunken “Sonnet”

As you spread

Your wings to take flight
I’m stitching mine back
On after a long fight
You dream into the sky
With hope and modesty
But my nightmares lie
Like stones inside of me
You’re encouraged on
As your fleeing the nest
But I have outcast, scarred upon
My anxious breath
You have passion
And wonder glimmering
In your eyes
But I have destruction
And pain simmering
Behind my sighs
You have big dreams
And inspiration
Which I can see
From your determination
But you gaze
Disappointedly
At my gentle dream
Of stability
Working towards
A safer life
Seems to cause
People strife
Always being
Pestered to change
People just keep repeating
Their way to gain
I loved my humour
But had to lose it
To please another
Don’t do this
Don’t be that
Critical of this
Ridicual that
Slowly losing myself
And feeling isolated
From my own health
I become dissociated
My mind reaps
The negative
And in heaps
Becomes expressive
It’s like I can’t escape
From my own
Mental narrative
But I leave it to fate
To know
What’s happening
It’s like my
Paranioa
Wins everytime
That I’m not
Good enough
To call you mine
What do I do
I’m trying my hardest
To keep you
From scum
And bad habits
From fun
And plain madness
I’m changing
Myself
For the better
Patience fading
I can tell
But I will get there
I hold my morals
From a darker place
But it helps me
To create the theraputic space
Just trust me
And accept
That these
Are for the best
No understanding
Needed
By hurt withstanding
To heal it
Just close your eyes
And picture my terror
That will haunt my life
For now and forever
I’m trying to change
Please just wait
It’s hard to arrange
My life to a clean state
I love you
Please hear
These words
My English hue
Don’t fear
It’s curse
If I could wish
Upon a spell
To be what
You need
It would be bliss
With all is well
And I’d stop
My dark deeds
But I’m only human
I’m not perfect
But I will work hard
Because your worth it
Over time I’ve gotten
Better
I’m no longer rotten
Now we’re together
Just understand
My English ways
And you’ll be certain
I’ll learn German one day

Stay There

 

Sitting here

About to lose my mind
It’s getting worse
And I’m showing every sign
One tear is follwed
By a waterfall
One fear is followed
By the unbearable
Like an exposed
Raw nerve ending
About to implode
And just cave in
One emotion
Then the next
With all the pain
I can’t detest
Shutdown
Step back
Common ground
Accept that
Hollow chest
Filled with anguish
Don’t confess
In written language
The love
And attatchment
Remember the last
Abandonment
If things go wrong
Life goes on
Forget it now
It’s all gone
Is that pain
Familiar?
Is it the same
From when you were younger?
Dying for emotional
Connection?
But feeling detrimental
Rejection?
One day here
Next day gone
As if you were nothing
Just an echoing song
Take back those
Feelings
Put way your vulnrebility
Don’t let people close
Or in
Just protect yourself emotionally
If pushed away
Stay there
Let them shut you out
And next time be aware
The problem may be
From you
But it will be easier for thee
To pull through

Ancestors Curse

Average life

Average ways

According to other eyes

And to what they say

 

There is a sign

That always starts to brew

A repeating of times

A curse falling through

 

I hear her cries

She comes to my side

As I can see to the other

Into the other side

 

A breathe of sorrow

An eternity in purgatory

There is no tomorrow

It’s the end of their story

 

She made mistakes

And her daughter did the same

A bloodline of hate

And a passing on of the blame

 

Who let the let the past

Watch the future

Who let their overcast

Paint our picture

 

Who let the spirits

Walk into our door

Am I the witness?

If so, what for?

 

Change your ways

Or end up the same

If you ignore and stay

You will turn insane

 

Her hopes and regrets

Are passed through

A whisper

 

Do not be what

I was also abused into

Not at any cost

Did I wish this for you

 

Do not become what I

Caused

Do not succumb to life long

Wars

 

I remain here

Because I still want

My girls together

 

But it’s clear

That is not to be

Ever

 

I know you can see me

You have done for years

Now please just hear me

Please save an old woman from fears

 

It is a vicious cycle

That runs through the family

It starts with denial

And ends in insanity

 

I can see that now

And the trauma

It creates

 

But it’s too late now

I am no longer

In living state

 

But you’re still here

Please don’t become

What I couldn’t help

 

Let go of fear

It’s easier said than done

But help yourself

 

You cannot change the past

And you cannot change them

Life goes so fast

Please bring the cycle to the end

Run From The Sun 8 End Of Major Depression

 

The sun is bright

The sky is blue

I look over and see you

 

With the dark clouds

In the distance

Just a small thunder sound

That’s not interference

 

The medication worked

And so did the therapy

The dedication caused the perk

And I feel free

 

The black hound

Is chained down

The wicked beast

Is unable to feast

 

No more running

No more escaping

No more fighting

No more shaming

 

The flowers next to me

Continue to whisper

Well done to thee

You escaped from winter

 

But continue the meds

The old oak tree said

One tablet a day

Will keep the wolf at bay

 

I look to the meadow

Which is rich with life

Remembering snow

And decay from that darkened time

 

No more abuse

No more pain

No more screw loose

No more rain

 

You’ve come far

The oak tree speaks

Just a few scars

But now a healthy seed

 

The wolf you fear

Is in the forest

My dear

So lift that weight of your chest

 

Your bloodline bears the curse

But you can change the fate

Stop it from getting worse

It’s not too late

 

It’s been a long journey

But now it has a happy ending

It seemed lonely

But you ended up winning

 

There may be times

Where you can still hear

The howl

 

But let that be a sign

Not to fear

The sound

If Borderline

If I go to therapy

If I take my meds

If I let you help me

If I try my best

 

If I change who I am

If I take in the criticism

If I carry on the Citalopram

If I carry my optimism

 

If I pretend I’m fine

If I over react to sound

If I give off all the signs

If I constantly breakdown

 

If I cry one minute

And laugh the next

If I start to prosecute

Will it make sense?

 

If I’m easily triggered

And think too much

If I become bitter

And become too harsh

 

If I socialise one minute

If I withdraw the next

If my mind starts to parachute

If I start to feel helpless

 

If anxiety is normal

And Depression is next

If I don’t cope at all

If I become intense

 

If I end up dead

If I end up alive

If I remain scared

If I try to strive

 

If I mess up relationships

If I continue my outbursts

If I mess up relationships

If I attack first

 

If I struggle interpersonally

If I cross the line

If I blow up internally

Would you call me borderline?

Consume You

What have I told you?

What have I shown you?

I’m here through and through

And not even you have a clue

 

Love is a pain

Love is dangerous

Your love is in vain

And it’s treacherous

 

Citalopram can’t

Protect you

From what I’m about

To do

 

Dependent and needy

You’re a leach

And greedy

 

Doors have slammed

And you’re damned

This won’t go to plan

I’ll get out of hand

 

You can’t hide me

Forever

I’ll be here

Whatever weather

 

Heart break is coming

Your way

So just stop loving

That’s what I say

 

They call me the

Black beast

But I call me the

Honest priest

 

Go ahead fight

Go ahead

Be uptight

 

Out of sight

I may be

But you’ll see

I’m here for

Eternity

 

So let me preach

And hear what

I have to say

 

How can you believe?

That you’re not

Mentally ill anyway?

 

You’re emotional irregulation

Is my doing

You’re my manifestation

That I’ll ruin

 

You’re getting comfortable

You’re getting dependant

They’ll get uncomfortable

She’ll want to be independent

 

If your own mother

Doesn’t want you

If your own father

Rarely speaks to you

 

If your own brother

Is distrustful of you

Do you really think?

Your own lover

Will stay with you?

 

I don’t think so

But what I do know

Is that I won’t go

 

You’ll be left

And you’ll be left

With me

 

Without a second guess

I won’t let you rest

You’ll see

 

You’re mine not hers

You belong to me

Let it be heard

 

She’ll leave you

And then you’re doomed

Nothing new

It’s in my runes

 

I’m brewing

Can you feel me?

I’m growing

Can you hear me?

 

Don’t think

You’re loved

For the long term

 

You’ll blink

They’ll be gone

And they won’t return

 

You’ll be broken

And I’ll take you

You’ll be forsaken

And I’ll consume you