Worth Someone

You deserve someone

Who loves you

You deserve something 

That’s true

You’re worth more

Then the bottom of the pile

Someone who beams with a smile 

When you walk through the door 

You’re not just there 

For a drunken cuddle 

Or just someone to deeply care

When things start to muddle

They have too much on

And they will drop you

As if you are not enough

Unless your something useful 

You’re worth more

You’re worth commitment

A place in someone’s life

Not someone’s resistance

To give you their spare time

You’re worth more then the leftovers

From a previous relationship

Recieving the minimum 

That might as well be a friendship 

You’re worth existence

To be mentioned in their life

You are magnificent 

You’re worth being someone’s wife

You’re a good person

Worthy of desire

Not just an activity

As and when required 

You’re worthy of kind words

Positive affirmations

To be heard

Have a stable foundation 

You’re worth someone 

Who wants you

You’re not just no one

Not just something to do

Why are you waiting

For them to put you first

Why are you expecting

To soon be over the worst

It wasn’t there from the beginning

They’ve repeatedly shown you

You’re not worth winning

It’s always

I can’t be that for you right now

But that is a choice 

And you think that will change somehow?

You’re a half way point

From their ex

Once they’ve recovered

They’ll look for the next

They won’t give you what you need

Because they’ve already given it

You see

Please do something smarter 

Let go of thinking

You’ll soon have your happily ever after 

Stop making excuses for them

You’ve had to beg and plead 

Made to feel guilty and a problem 

To get a fraction of what you need

There is no it will get better

Or see how it goes 

You’re just not their forever

And everyone knows 

If they truly cherished you

You wouldn’t be sat here crying

Over someone who

Isn’t really trying

It sounds harsh 

Buts it’s been a year

Nothing had changed 

You’re still having fears

I know you’ve been there

Supporting through the worst

But it’s not been appreciated

And someone else will see your worth

What you are asking for 

Should come naturally

So stop asking for more

Because it won’t happen eventually 

Listen to Grandma 

For she knows best 

She can’t watch you continue 

To be treated as less

You Assaulted Me

You assaulted me

How dare are you 

You are a fiend

You are the devil

I was happy

I was content

But you decimated me

With evil intent

You are disgusting

You are abhorrent

You are nothing

You are horrid

I was discarded I was ostracized

From what you started

From your lies

How do you sleep at night Well I suppose

I should have put up a fight

should have broke your nose

But I’m shaken

And traumatised

From what you’ve taken

I cannot deny

I’m paranoid

I’m too scared to trust

I need to perform

But I’m crumbling to dust

I have to be stoic

I have to excel

But I’m scared I’ll blow it

I’m scared I’ll fail

Please release me

From this fear

Please save me

From what is here

Gentle Love

I still love you

I wish this could have been

Different  

I still want you

I wish I could hold you

This instant

I tried to give you 

Everything you deserve

My feelings for you

Are forever reserved

This pain

This heartache

The shame

That partakes

How I’m going to miss

Saying good morning 

How I’m going to miss

Saying good night

You entered my life

And loved me deeply 

Awkened feelings and trust 

That I don’t give freely

And then when I was ready To love again

You took my heart

And smashed it instead

To know that my love

My care and gentle nature 

Was not enough for you

To know that I’m not enough

To have a place in your adventure 

To have a space beside you

I love you so much 

But for you I was just lust 

I adore you so much 

But to you I was mere dust 

My motivation for life itself

Has been taken away

I no longer feel joy

Or excitement for coming each day

How I wish I could go back in time

And do things differently 

To when we were fine

When everything was merry

This parting is painful

It hurts to breathe 

To know my efforts were wasteful 

As you dropped me to leave

When you left 

You stole a piece of me

I need to accept 

I’m not what you need

Please simply know

I just wanted to love you

Even if that means letting go

Please simply know

I just wanted to take care of you

And fill you with happiness and hope

I’m sorry I couldn’t be that person 

I tried so hard

But I suppose that will be a lesson 

As we start to part

I wish you all the best

From the bottom of my chest

But my feelings for you

Haven’t changed

If I may confess

Lost

It still haunts me

The memories 

Tucked away

In the back of my mind

It still haunts me

The shuddering dreams violently 

Rising up from my spine

I can’t remember 

But my body does

It says surrender

You were never loved

Hope feels so far 

Just out of reach

Just behind the stars

Or a thousand feet

Forever stretching 

Towards something better

But for some reason 

Just never getting there 

A hand print 

From the past 

Forever linched

As an outcast

The wanting to be more

But still never enough

The deep and empty core

A void of absent love

Present but unseen

Hesitant from the obscene 

Cursed from what was before

No matter how much one ignores

The life I’ve left behind 

But that life hasn’t left me 

Everything seems to be fine 

But still I cannot see

Looking for an opening

Or a sign

To feel loved and welcomed

To enter inside 

But there is nothing

Nothing in the distance Just grey, darkening 

Resistance 

Everyone belongs somewhere 

Everything has a place

But I seem to have nowhere 

Or atleast that seems to be the case

How I wish to stop wondering

And look to find some roots

How I wish to stop pondering 

My tragic lost youth 

Trying to remain positive 

That one day I will be found

But if I am to be realistic 

It won’t be safe and sound

How I crave deep meaningful love

But it seems to be a mirage 

Like chasing the sun into the dusk

I’m anxious and terrified 

It’s like everything I touch 

Runs and hide 

I sense the subtle change

You say we’re okay

But my brain doesn’t say the same

How I wish I could grab the thoughts 

From within my skull

The ones that wreak havoc

Deep within my soul

I’m trying my absolute hardest

To maintain my mental health

But it seems well being is at its farthest

Dropped deep within a well

My fragile heart is pleading 

Please don’t shatter me

Please don’t leave me bleeding

It’s already been through plenty

I can’t trust 

But I trust you

I can’t love

But I love you 

Please don’t hurt me

Because my heart is already bruised

Yet even if you drop me

I will still always love you

Make It Go Away

What do I need to do

In order to make it stop

What do I have to say

To make it go away

How can I sleep tonight

When everytime I close my eyes

All I see are distressing sights

How do I say that I’m sorry

That I didn’t mean to hurt you

Or do the things I did

that I wish were not true

I’m haunted by these memories

They will not leave me

Every waking hour is filled

With these monstrosities

The pain, the abuse

It’s ruining my life

Your evil planted roots

Are chastising my mind

Your onslaught of screams

Your vicious venom

Your hateful schemes

Please rid me of them

It’s replaying

over and over again

In my mind

I need it to end

I cannot take it anymore

I want to rip my mind out

It’s causing an internal war

I want to destroy myself

I want to claw at my head

My brain is an abusive cell

but I want to be its friend

The nightmares are deplorable

The daymares are even worse

I just want to be normal

But I feel I might be cursed

Please save me

From what was

Please aid me

In my lost cause

Do You Remember That Time By The Lake?

We walked by the lake

As I held your hand

I asked you a question that made

You shake

It made you feel grand

Will you be my Grandad?

I asked, in need of a friend

Of course you said

Until the very end

Life wasn’t good

But you were

And you did what you could

And much more

Now years later

After years of being a family

You developed Dementia

And though I see you rarely

When I do

The same worry enters

Your face

Each time we’re together

You always say

Do you remember

The time we were at the lake?

When you held my hand

And asked me to be your grandad?

And I said I’d love to?

Do you still want me to be?

As I reply of course I do

You respond with simply

Please don’t shut me out

Please don’t leave the family

Please don’t have doubts

Please don’t stop talking to me

The worry enters your face

Everytime you see me

This question takes place

Everytime we meet

But each time

With a smile and a hug

I say we’ll always be fine

Don’t worry about such stuff

You’ll always be my Grandad

And I’ll always be your Grandaughter

There’s no need to be sad

Come lets walk by the water

Bitterness

I remember all the times

We’d sit and watch the telly

We’d forget about our crimes

And pretend we were a family

But then one day I realised

You didn’t want me

So stayed up most nights and cried

Until the day you disowned me

I felt like life was so wrong

As Depression cast it’s spell

I stayed in the grey for so long

I didn’t realise my life was the cell

I couldn’t connect with people

So I tried to connect with objects

This turned out to be lethal

So I threw away all my assets

I thought I found love

But it was just another user

Once they’ve taken enough

They leave in one maneuver

At least thats what

Depression says

I just feel so lost

Trying to find my way

My life has taken an empty

Turn

And everyone just feels the same

No one really has any

Concern

It’s just all one big game

Nothing really matters

In the grand scheme

Of things

The general latter

Just seem

Obsene

I spend a lot of time Listening

As people start to tell

Yet all I’m really hearing

Is talk focused on themselves

No one seems to get it

Just small talk from blind minds

Everyones talking shit

On how they’re so devine

I don’t seem to care

Anymore

Everyone around me

Just emits noise

Nothing seems to matter

Anymore

People are just using speech

As a decoy

My optimism is

Starting to decay

Just leaving bitterness

Realising people just blame

I’m turning into everything

I just wrote about

My emotions are blinding

My mind now

I don’t know anything

Anymore

I don’t know who to trust

Or what to believe

It all seems so simple in

My mind

I’m trying so hard to be

Kind

But I see and understand

A lot more

Then people comprehend

And everything in life

Is due to fade

In the end

Only For An Hour

I don’t want to be here

I’m sick of breathing

I’m sick of fear

All I’m doing is grieving

Every moment

I wish was my last

Every footstep

Feels like glass

The pain is unreal

Yet I feel nothing

I’m just trying to heal

But I can’t stop suffering

Self medicating

With whatever I can find

Fuck meditating

I’ll just drink the wine

Popping painkillers

Like they’re sweets

Take them with tequila

And faint on my sheets

Anything to numb

The pain

Anything to run

From shame

The emotions

Swirling and turning

In my brain

The commotion

Of burning is surging

Through my vains

Nothing makes sense

But everything seems pointless

Death has a stench

And fighting is fruitless

Let the cocodomal

Put me to sleep

I can feel it working now

And in an hour or so

The pain will deplete

It’s temporary, I’m not proud

I just need something

To fill this void

I know it’s passing

Just don’t be annoyed

We’ve all got our

Poison

So don’t be sour

It’s not heroin

And it’s only for an hour

Just don’t think

Just don’t feel

Just be still

And let it heal

If I Was Them

Would you want me more

If I looked like them

Would you look at me in ore

If I was like them

Would I be on your mind

If I was that kind of girl

Would you keep pictures

Of me and show me off

If I looked like those girls

Would you keep photos

Of me

Like you do of them

Would you make me significantly

Like you do your friends

So people know you’re actually with me

Or atleast pretend

There isn’t a time that isn’t clearer

When I look into the mirror

And realise I will never be that

For years I held that

For months I never said

Because you tell me

It’s for inspiration instead

So I held the pain

And cried in vain

Instead

And I shouldn’t care

Because you can’t force one

To look at you in that way

No touch nor hold

Or loving my body

Feeling cold

Like nobody wants me

But I still dare

To dream on

That it will happen one day

But until then

I’ll simply let myself

Pretend

Grandma sees the

Tears

When she sits and has to hear

That I’m trying to alter my body

For all the wrong reasons

So for once someone can hold

me and think, wow you’re magnificent

But over time acceptence

Has it’s way

Even with resistence

The feeling will start to fade

As it will never happen

And people don’t change

It’s been a year

And it’s still the same

And it won’t matter anymore

And things will never be

Like what they were before

It won’t be so sore

So painful

That you wish you were more

Father wanted me to find

Someone who thinks I’m perfect

Now he’s worried I will be left

And left stranded

I’m not good enough

I hear it everywhere

Trying too much

I’m feeling despair

All I do is

Cry and

Cry and

Cry and

Cry

I’m lost

And I don’t know what to do

Mother earth please guide

Me through