Do You Remember That Time By The Lake?

We walked by the lake
As I held your hand
I asked you a question that made
You shake
It made you feel grand
Will you be my Grandad?
I asked, in need of a friend
Of course you said
Until the very end
Life wasn’t good
But you were
And you did what you could
And much more
Now years later
After years of being a family
You developed Dementia
And though I see you rarely
When I do
The same worry enters
Your face
Each time we’re together
You always say
Do you remember
The time we were at the lake?
When you held my hand
And asked me to be your grandad?
And I said I’d love to?
Do you still want me to be?
As I reply of course I do
You respond with simply
Please don’t shut me out
Please don’t leave the family
Please don’t have doubts
Please don’t stop talking to me
The worry enters your face
Everytime you see me
This question takes place
Everytime we meet
But each time
With a smile and a hug
I say we’ll always be fine
Don’t worry about such stuff
You’ll always be my Grandad
And I’ll always be your Grandaughter
There’s no need to be sad
Come lets walk by the water
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Bitterness

I remember all the times

We’d sit and watch the telly
We’d forget about our crimes
And pretend we were a family
But then one day I realised
You didn’t want me
So stayed up most nights and cried
Until the day you disowned me
I felt like life was so wrong
As Depression cast it’s spell
I stayed in the grey for so long
I didn’t realise my life was the cell
I couldn’t connect with people
So I tried to connect with objects
This turned out to be lethal
So I threw away all my assets
I thought I found love
But it was just another user
Once they’ve taken enough
They leave in one maneuver
At least thats what
Depression says
I just feel so lost
Trying to find my way
My life has taken an empty
Turn
And everyone just feels the same
No one really has any
Concern
It’s just all one big game
Nothing really matters
In the grand scheme
Of things
The general latter
Just seem
Obsene
I spend a lot of time Listening
As people start to tell
Yet all I’m really hearing
Is talk focused on themselves
No one seems to get it
Just small talk from blind minds
Everyones talking shit
On how they’re so devine
I don’t seem to care
Anymore
Everyone around me
Just emits noise
Nothing seems to matter
Anymore
People are just using speech
As a decoy
My optimism is
Starting to decay
Just leaving bitterness
Realising people just blame
I’m turning into everything
I just wrote about
My emotions are blinding
My mind now
I don’t know anything
Anymore
I don’t know who to trust
Or what to believe
It all seems so simple in
My mind
I’m trying so hard to be
Kind
But I see and understand
A lot more
Then people comprehend
And everything in life
Is due to fade
In the end

Only For An Hour

I don’t want to be here

I’m sick of breathing
I’m sick of fear
All I’m doing is grieving
Every moment
I wish was my last
Every footstep
Feels like glass
The pain is unreal
Yet I feel nothing
I’m just trying to heal
But I can’t stop suffering
Self medicating
With whatever I can find
Fuck meditating
I’ll just drink the wine
Popping painkillers
Like they’re sweets
Take them with tequila
And faint on my sheets
Anything to numb
The pain
Anything to run
From shame
The emotions
Swirling and turning
In my brain
The commotion
Of burning is surging
Through my vains
Nothing makes sense
But everything seems pointless
Death has a stench
And fighting is fruitless
Let the cocodomal
Put me to sleep
I can feel it working now
And in an hour or so
The pain will deplete
It’s temporary, I’m not proud
I just need something
To fill this void
I know it’s passing
Just don’t be annoyed
We’ve all got our
Poison
So don’t be sour
It’s not heroin
And it’s only for an hour
Just don’t think
Just don’t feel
Just be still
And let it heal

If I Was Them

Would you want me more

If I looked like them
Would you look at me in ore
If I was like them
Would I be on your mind
If I was that kind of girl
Would you keep pictures
Of me and show me off
If I looked like those girls
Would you keep photos
Of me
Like you do of them
Would you make me significantly
Like you do your friends
So people know you’re actually with me
Or atleast pretend
There isn’t a time that isn’t clearer
When I look into the mirror
And realise I will never be that
For years I held that
For months I never said
Because you tell me
It’s for inspiration instead
So I held the pain
And cried in vain
Instead
And I shouldn’t care
Because you can’t force one
To look at you in that way
No touch nor hold
Or loving my body
Feeling cold
Like nobody wants me
But I still dare
To dream on
That it will happen one day
But until then
I’ll simply let myself
Pretend
Grandma sees the
Tears
When she sits and has to hear
That I’m trying to alter my body
For all the wrong reasons
So for once someone can hold
me and think, wow you’re magnificent
But over time acceptence
Has it’s way
Even with resistence
The feeling will start to fade
As it will never happen
And people don’t change
It’s been a year
And it’s still the same
And it won’t matter anymore
And things will never be
Like what they were before
It won’t be so sore
So painful
That you wish you were more
Father wanted me to find
Someone who thinks I’m perfect
Now he’s worried I will be left
And left stranded
I’m not good enough
I hear it everywhere
Trying too much
I’m feeling despair
All I do is
Cry and
Cry and
Cry and
Cry
I’m lost
And I don’t know what to do
Mother earth please guide
Me through

 

You Don’t Realise

You don’t realise

How bright life is

Until the cold night

Causes it to wither

 

You don’t realise

How good a smile feels

Until the howling cry

Comes echoing from the hills

 

You don’t realise

How good it feels now

Until the sighs

Weigh you to the ground

 

You don’t realise

The cost of happiness

Until it’s sacrificed

Into Depressions darkness

 

You don’t realise

The meaning of compromise

Until you make a Doctors deal

For a clinical pill

 

 

You don’t realise

The price of shame

Until Depression tightens

Its restricting chains

 

Nothing teaches you a lesson

Quite like Depression

Nothing forces oppression

Quite like regression

 

Nothing forces you

To let go of that

That wants to ruin you

 

No message

Is louder than a storm

That thunders

Towards you

 

From a mess

That’s formed

And plunders

Unfairly onto you

 

No one understands

The hollowing

That takes place

Behind your face

 

No one understands

The wallowing

In a small space

Begging for a God’s grace

 

Forgiveness for the

Forgotten

That’s listed

At rock bottom

 

The anger and anguishes

That builds over time

From pain and injustice

That rattles like a broken chime

 

To have your soul within

Taken

By an illness that started in

My cradle

 

To be suffering

Unbearably

While jittering

Mentally

 

The pleasure in

Causing pain

Further drove me

Insane

 

No humanity

No empathy

Behind those eyes

 

Just lies

Insanity

And a sick kick

From your cries

 

Why watch horror

Shows and documentaries

When I can just venture

Into my memories

 

Why speak

When people

Tell you how you feel

 

Why see

When people

Turn blind at will

 

Why realise

How good it

Was to be human

 

When life

Slips in

And throws Depression

Drunken “Sonnet”

As you spread

Your wings to take flight
I’m stitching mine back
On after a long fight
You dream into the sky
With hope and modesty
But my nightmares lie
Like stones inside of me
You’re encouraged on
As your fleeing the nest
But I have outcast, scarred upon
My anxious breath
You have passion
And wonder glimmering
In your eyes
But I have destruction
And pain simmering
Behind my sighs
You have big dreams
And inspiration
Which I can see
From your determination
But you gaze
Disappointedly
At my gentle dream
Of stability
Working towards
A safer life
Seems to cause
People strife
Always being
Pestered to change
People just keep repeating
Their way to gain
I loved my humour
But had to lose it
To please another
Don’t do this
Don’t be that
Critical of this
Ridicual that
Slowly losing myself
And feeling isolated
From my own health
I become dissociated
My mind reaps
The negative
And in heaps
Becomes expressive
It’s like I can’t escape
From my own
Mental narrative
But I leave it to fate
To know
What’s happening
It’s like my
Paranioa
Wins everytime
That I’m not
Good enough
To call you mine
What do I do
I’m trying my hardest
To keep you
From scum
And bad habits
From fun
And plain madness
I’m changing
Myself
For the better
Patience fading
I can tell
But I will get there
I hold my morals
From a darker place
But it helps me
To create the theraputic space
Just trust me
And accept
That these
Are for the best
No understanding
Needed
By hurt withstanding
To heal it
Just close your eyes
And picture my terror
That will haunt my life
For now and forever
I’m trying to change
Please just wait
It’s hard to arrange
My life to a clean state
I love you
Please hear
These words
My English hue
Don’t fear
It’s curse
If I could wish
Upon a spell
To be what
You need
It would be bliss
With all is well
And I’d stop
My dark deeds
But I’m only human
I’m not perfect
But I will work hard
Because your worth it
Over time I’ve gotten
Better
I’m no longer rotten
Now we’re together
Just understand
My English ways
And you’ll be certain
I’ll learn German one day

Stay There

 

Sitting here

About to lose my mind
It’s getting worse
And I’m showing every sign
One tear is follwed
By a waterfall
One fear is followed
By the unbearable
Like an exposed
Raw nerve ending
About to implode
And just cave in
One emotion
Then the next
With all the pain
I can’t detest
Shutdown
Step back
Common ground
Accept that
Hollow chest
Filled with anguish
Don’t confess
In written language
The love
And attatchment
Remember the last
Abandonment
If things go wrong
Life goes on
Forget it now
It’s all gone
Is that pain
Familiar?
Is it the same
From when you were younger?
Dying for emotional
Connection?
But feeling detrimental
Rejection?
One day here
Next day gone
As if you were nothing
Just an echoing song
Take back those
Feelings
Put way your vulnrebility
Don’t let people close
Or in
Just protect yourself emotionally
If pushed away
Stay there
Let them shut you out
And next time be aware
The problem may be
From you
But it will be easier for thee
To pull through